


Just Another Twitter Fic

by cracked_plate



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, FUCK endgame, Flash Thompson Redemption, It never happened, M/M, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Peter Parker, Sweet Miles Morales, Texting, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Twitter, also i know its tagged tasm but you can really put any spiderman there, i just have harry osborn so, kind of, like he's still a dick but he'll get better, peter knows a lot of billionaires, tom holland or andrew, why does he know so many?? seriously it's getting kind of ridiculous
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 15,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23811022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cracked_plate/pseuds/cracked_plate
Summary: Did somebody say twitter fic? No, they didn't, but here it is anyway.*DISCLAIMER: i really don't think it needs to be said, but i do not own marvel, nor do i own any of the characters in this book, marvel or otherwise, unless specifically stated. credits go to their rightful owners. you know the drill.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Harry Osborn & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, uhh idk they all friends
Comments: 183
Kudos: 1114





	1. Welcome to Twitter

**Author's Note:**

> what up , its me , back with another story. who needs to continue all of their other drafts and actually update their stories when you can just start another one ?
> 
> i decided to jump on the twitter fic bandwagon , so now i'm doing this , i guess.  
> just a warning , this is kind of rough and messy but uhhh i'll work on organizing and transitioning better lmao
> 
> update : forgot to put that this was multi-chapter

**biderman @Spiderman**

Whats up twitter

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

spidey is that really u? 

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

**@spidermanstan** Yeah. At least I think so? Idk it's too early for an existential crisis

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

omg he responded

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

God I hope this is really spiderman and not another fan account

**> IronMan @tstark**

**@** **Spiderman** Didn't I just tell you not to get a twitter?

**> > biderman** **@Spiderman**

Well I legally cant hear so it b like that sometimes

**> im trying ok** **@letmelive**

iron man just responded its REAL GUYS

**> shit happens @goodestboy**

oh shit

**> > biderman** **@Spiderman**

watch ur h*cking language

**> >> shit happens @goodestboy**

oh sorry i meant h*ck

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

its fine !! :)

**> >>>> step the fuck up @kyle**

soft

* * *

**potato gun @garageboy**

friendly reminder that tony stark broke into my garage when i was 11

**> IronMan @tstark**

**@garageboy** You ever gonna let that go?

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

absolutely not

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@tstark** mr stark you did what

**> > IronMan @tstark**

**@yeeterparkour** Nothing. Shouldn't you be sleeping? It's like 2am

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

its four in the afternoon ??

* * *

**pb &j** **@yeeterparkour**

one retweet and i'll throw myself out the window

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@yeeterparkour** peter no

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@mrleeds** peter yes

**> >> flash @zoomzoom**

**@yeeterparkour @mrleeds** i agree with him on this. peter no

**> stop that. @emjayy**

Peter No.

**> > gitc @mrleeds**

**@emjayy** the energy this two word response radiates is terrifying.

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

ned's right, it's weirdly intimidating.

**> >>> stop that. @emjayy**

**@mrleeds @yeeterparkour** Good.

**> potato gun @garageboy**

idk who you are but tony seems to like you, so. peter no

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** okay but like, who are you ??

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy? 

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i wouldn't have asked if i didn't

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

lmao

* * *

**poppy @sodapoppy**

So are we just going to ignore the fact that Tony Stark knows two random teenage boys? And makes sure they sleep?? 

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

yeah lmao

**> > poppy @sodapoppy**

oh okay

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

tbh i was gonna say something but it's tony stark, is it really that out of character for him to do weird things? 

**> > poppy @sodapoppy**

**@itscomplicated** that's... fair, i guess.

**> potato gun @garageboy**

yeah i think we are

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i still have no idea who you are

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

i know who you are ;)

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

that's literally so fucking creepy ???

**> poppy @sodapoppy**

**@yeeterparkour @garageboy** how do y'all know tony stark though

**> > step the fuck up @kyle**

**@sodapoppy** well we already know that tony broke into **@garageboy** 's garage

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

he was in my apartment when i came home

**> >>> step the fuck up @kyle**

**@yeeterparkour** lmaoo is that just how he finds his interns then??

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

honestly,,,maybe. i don't know yet.

**> poppy @sodapoppy**

i'm so glad these threads happened on my tweet

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

**@sodapoppy** you're welcome


	2. Spider...man?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ @jackjackjack
> 
> Spider-man ain't got rights y'all. He's a menace to New York!  
> 
> 
> > gitc @mrleeds
> 
> @jackjackjack oh you read the daily bugle? i didn't think anyone did that anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. it's me again. back with more chaos !! welcome to hell , b a b e y !
> 
> i had three versions of this chapter written out because i wasn't sure how i wanted it to go , but i chose this one. as you can see by the fact it's the one i published. obviously. it ended up pretty spidey - centric but thats okay
> 
> on a side note i actually have a plan for the next few chapters this time ! look at me , actually thinking ahead and shit. absolutely incredible.

**biderman @Spiderman**

Some of you weren't accidentally bitten by a radioactive spider and got really sick and woke up with the sticky one day and it really shows.

**> iron man pls notice me @tincanman**

**@Spiderman** " the sticky " i'm cackling

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

**@tincanman** no me to i -

**> >> haley @cutsiehaley**

too*

**> >>> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@cutsiehaley** thanks 

**> >>>> haley @cutsiehaley **

sure

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@Spiderman** how does one even get bitten by a radioactive spider on accident ??

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Oscorp. No shade no tea just facts. 

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** I said sorry for that

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

**@HOsborn** Yeah I know

**> >>>> harry @HOsborn**

Ok

* * *

**no shade @noteajustfax**

" i said sorry for that " " yeah i know " " ok " i cANT DID Y'ALL SEE THAT THREAD

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@noteajustfax** i turned on notifs for spidey so i can get that tea sis

**> > no shade @noteajustfax**

the only time my username will ever be incorrect ^^

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@noteajustfax** the ' ok ' is SENDING ME

**> step the fuck up @kyle**

**@noteajustfax** it wasn't even spelled right and that's what makes it even funnier

**> > no shade @noteajustfax **

mans didnt even BOTHER adding the 'ay' at the end

* * *

**JJ @jackjackjack**

Spider-man ain't got rights y'all. He's a menace to New York!

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@jackjackjack** oh you read the daily bugle? i didn't think anyone did that anymore. 

**> > JJ @jackjackjack **

It's a factual news outlet that lets the people of New York know the truth! 

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan **

If you think that's telling the truth, honey you've got a big storm coming. 

**> >>> JJ @jackjackjack**

**@spidermanstan** Don't call me honey.

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

He doesn't even watch vines smh my head.

**> flash @zoomzoom**

**@jackjackjack** You didn't even have the guts to @ him. I'll do it for you. **@Spiderman**

**> > JJ @jackjackjack **

I do not need that thing commenting on my tweet!

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Heard y'all were talkin shit

**> >>> flash @zoomzoom **

oh my god it worked

* * *

**New York News @thedailybugle**

Spider-man threatens teen online! Read more about it here! [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)]

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@thedailybugle** Are you serious lmaoo. Y'all look at this fool

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@thedailybugle** HEARD Y'ALL WERE TALKIN SHIT

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

**@Spiderman** omg i feel so threatened!! he threatened me! 

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

This is awful! A serious crime!

**> >>> JJ @jackjackjack**

**@garageboy @Spiderman** This is serious, quit making jokes about it! 

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

Oh no I'm so scared of you. Man your profile picture is from a fucking anime okay. Sit down. In fact, take several seats. 

**> >>>>> JJ @jackjackjack**

One day you'll see. You'll all see that he isn't who you think he is.

**> >>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

This sounds like the start of a villain origin story. Man gets made a fool of online and craves revenge.

* * *

**IronMan @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Kid, why are you trending on twitter?

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** The daily bugle is bullying me again :(

**> > IronMan @tstark **

They're what? 

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Bullying, mr stark. Are your eyes going in your old age, too?

**> >>> IronMan @tstark**

Hey, don't give me a reason to ground you.

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

You can't ground me, you're not my d a d 

**> >>>>> IronMan @tstark**

Wanna test that?

* * *

**Poppy @sodapoppy**

Tony Stark being a total dad and then denying that he is , is my aesthetic

**> PJ @jamesp23**

**@sodapoppy** #irondad mayhaps ????

**> > Poppy @sodapoppy**

yes

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

we stan two (2) kings being sassy. #irondad

**> >>> haley @cutsiehaley**

The sass. The dad vibes. The playful threats. It's all I need in life. #irondad babey!!!

* * *

**supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

guys wait. is spider-man a minor ??

_**this tweet is no longer** _ **_available_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the endings of each thread feels so abrupt ?? i'm working on smoothing that out though. this entire thing is choppy and needs to be smoothed out , actually , but maybe that's just me being too critical of my own work. i also need to work on some new usernames and adding the other characters in. hm.


	3. Twitter bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>> im @havingafuckingcrisis
> 
> Thanks science side of twitter  
> 
> 
> >>>> doot doot @dootdoot 
> 
> THERE'S A SCIENCE SIDE OF TWITTER NOW?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me like two days to write because i started at like 3am and i made so many mistakes. is this going how i want ? no. it has a mind of its own at this point.
> 
> i'm losing track of characters already , so i had to write them all down. do i know how to incorporate them anymore ? no absolutely not.

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

tungsten dioxide whats this? 

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@yeeterparkour** Nerd.

**> > gitc @mrleeds**

i hate to break it to you, but you're friends with us, therefore you're a nerd too

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

Shut up.

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** Did you look this up just to post on twitter

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i'm only a little ashamed to admit that i knew this without looking it up

**> im @havingafuckingcrisis**

Science side of twitter please explain

**> > science @sciencesideoftwitter**

owo

**> >> im @havingafuckingcrisis**

Thanks science side of twitter

**> >>> doot doot @dootdoot **

THERE'S A SCIENCE SIDE OF TWITTER NOW?

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

**@sciencesideoftwitter** Blease explain why it's Kansas but it's not Arkansas

**> science @sciencesideoftwitter**

**@Spiderman** english

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

thanks 

* * *

**cindy @moonmoon**

Not to be that person or anything but how does Peter know like two millionaires 

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@moonmoon** oh my god cindy you can't just ask somebody how they know two millionaires

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@abeee** haha nice. anyway, cindy, i WISH i knew. like they just kind of??? showed up one day?? and i cant get rid of them????

**> >> cindy @moonmoon**

why would you want to?

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

because it's all fun and games until they threaten to buy out entire companies because you complained about one problem

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** You wanna get rid of me? :( 

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@HOsborn** have you SEEN how extra you are?

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Okay fair

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i exist to keep you from destroying the world

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

Also fair

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

**@HOsborn** nobody :

literally not a single person :

harry osborn : fair

* * *

yeeterparkour > HOsborn

[yeeterparkour] oh my god wAIT HARRY

[yeeterparkour] HARRY

[yeeterparkour] HAROLD THEOPOLIS OSBORN 

[HOsborn] holy shit peter what

[yeeterparkour] when are you coming back!! it's sometime this week, right?

[HOsborn] Oh. Yeah, Monday or something like that.

[yeeterparkour] HARRY THATS TOMORROW

[HOsborn] Is it?? I have no concept of time anymore other than the fact

that I know it exists, as I no longer experience it.

[yeeterparkour] okay emo boy, calm your horses. but!!!!!!! holy shit!!!! tomorrow!!

[HOsborn] You're still gonna be at the airport, right?

[yeeterparkour] yeehaw

[HOsborn] what

[yeeterparkour] yeah*

[HOsborn] Y'know what I'm not going to even ask. Yeehaw boy.

[yeeterparkour] shut up rich boy

_read at 9:23pm_

* * *

**IronMan @tstark**

I can't believe Pepper would betray me like this.

**> CEO @pepperpotts**

**@tstark** Tony, stop being childish and complaining on Twitter. You're a PR nightmare. 

**> > IronMan @tstark **

Pepper this is the ultimate betrayal. I'm heartbroken. All that I've done for you and you do this to me?

**> >> CEO @PepperPotts**

Tony. You are going to pick up Harry at the airport and I do not want to hear one more word of complaint from you.

**> >>> IronMan @tstark**

Fine, but I'm not happy about it. 

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@tstark** u dont have to be salty just bc he's a child millionaire from oscorp

**> > IronMan @tstark**

Peter thats exactly why I have to be salty

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

am i hallucinating or did tony stark just use the word salty

**> >>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

wow he did

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@mrleeds** what have i done he's never going to stop using it

**> potato gun @garageboy**

**@tstark** oh so you can pick up an osborn but you can't pick me up? smh my head tony, i thought we were connected.

**> > IronMan @tstark**

You never even said you wanted to come down. I mean I could though. 

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

👀👀

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** listen i STILL don't know who you are pls sir who are u

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

sir huh?

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

nvm 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired and also rlly sorry if you got this notification like three times i done fucked up and had to repost it. idk what is happening maybe its just on my screen but if y'all can see a second thing of end notes ,,, sorry ? 
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys.


	4. Cashew the Babey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> There was a stray cat in a dumpster eating chicken and his name is Cashew and I love him. 
> 
> > h*ck happens @goodestboy
> 
> @Spiderman I have only known Cashew for two minutes but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in the room and then myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys : *comment or give kudos*
> 
> my heart : 🥺🥺
> 
> while i don't write for the comments or the kudos ( i just write and hope you guys like it lmao ) they really boost my inspiration && also make me smile so. thank you :)

**biderman @Spiderman**

There was a stray cat in a dumpster eating chicken and his name is Cashew and I love him. 

_[The photo attached is of a small calico cat eating out of a plastic container on a hardwood floor, presumably his apartment. Spider-man's hand can be seen reaching out toward the cat, though he doesn't have his glove on]_

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@Spiderman** I have only known Cashew for two minutes but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in the room and then myself.

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan **

man, same. i love that cat with all my heart. 

**> >> Poppy @sodapoppy**

cashew protection squad

**> IronMan @tstark**

**@Spiderman** And where do you plan to keep the cat? 

**> > biderman @Spiderman **

I haven't thought of that yet. Maybe, if you rlly love me, at the tower? pretty please?

**> >> IronMan @tstark**

Absolutely not kid. 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

oh come on mr stark!! how can you say no to his little face?

**> >>>> IronMan @tstark**

Easily.

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman **

Heartless.

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** So like is confiscating tiny animals just your thing now?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I usually bring them into the vet and get them checked for a chip and fed and stuff! He's just,,,tiny and i love him.

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

wait thats so wholesome

**> >>> im trying ok @letmelive**

his entire being is nothing but wholesome. he doesn't know anything else.

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

one harry gets back it's over for you bitches

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** Am I finally gonna get to meet MJ?

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i would say no bc you guys teaming up on me is scary, but i have no control over what she does so. yeah, probably.

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

Nice.

**> >>> stop that. @emjayy**

**@yeeterparkour** See? You're learning.

**> flash @zoomzoom**

**@yeeterparkour** aw fuck

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

:)

**> >> cindy @moonmoon**

How did you just make a smiley face look so sinister I-

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

because he's Fucked and i want him to know

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

oh no peter just swore on twitter. AND he used a capital. flash you're so screwed.

**> >>>>> flash @zoomzoom**

yeah i know, smartass.

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

afnjsdnjhfsj

**> gitc @mrleeds**

you ok buddy?

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

IT IS T I M E 

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

that's a little ominous, ain't it sweetheart?

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

sweetheart?

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

yeah

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

hsjdsnjk ok

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Okay so I just met up with Peter at the airport and this boy's face is So Red.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@HOsborn** STOP CALLING ME OUT

**> > harry @HOsborn**

No. Now that I'm back it's my duty to embarrass the fuck out of you, and that means exposing your disaster bi ass

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i should have left you at the airport where i found you

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

Butcha didn't

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

is that how that word is spelled? 

**> >>>>> harry @HOsborn**

I don't know, I guessed.

* * *

**IronMan @tstark**

I should not be allowed to make my own decisions, who let me do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is all over the place but it's fine, i got what i needed to shoved in there somewhere. 
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys.


	5. Disaster bi....or just a Disaster?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>>> JJ @jackjackjack
> 
> Whatever. I still think that kid is hiding something. 
> 
> >>>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles
> 
> lmaoo man YOU seem like you're hiding something. are you secretly a villain? i don't think i could handle another villain in new york. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'll be easy to write a twitter fic , i said , everybody does it , i said. it is in fact Not as easy as it seems , how the fuck do i do this. if you're thinking of writing one , though , you 100% can i'm just dramatic i'm sure you'll do fantastic ! :)
> 
> anyway , enjoy a second chapter in a row because i'm hyped up on coffee and all your love && support ! <3  
> ( i read all of your comments , i just haven't responded yet. i've decided i'm going to start though ! )

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

Why did I choose spandex of all things?

_**this tweet is no longer available** _

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

ignore my last tweet if you saw it please and thanks

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@yeeterparkour** You're a real idiot Parker, y'know that?

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yeah i'm aware

**> midtown reporter @bbrant**

**@yeeterparkour** I didn't see it, what did it say?

**> > gitc @mrleeds**

absolutely nothing. nope. nothing interesting. 

**> >> midtown reporter @bbrant**

Ah yes, very convincing. 

**> >>> stop that. @emjayy**

Ned, you're an awful liar.

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

i know. i'm working on it. :(

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** Oh my god Peter.

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

SHUT UP HARRY

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@yeeterparkour** Kid you're a goddamn disaster. 

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yes i know i've been told like four times already mr stark. pls dont tell miss potts tho she's scary

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

You're lucky I've got a semi-handle on things, but I can only do so much damage control. 

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i'm sorry :(

* * *

**JJ @jackjackjack**

Does anybody have a screenshot of whatever that Peter kid tweeted? It seems pretty sus that he would just delete it like that.

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@jackjackjack** Hey! I'm going to kindly remind you that Peter is his own person and he deserves respect and privacy as much as anyone else, so please abide by his request of ignoring whatever it was that he accidentally tweeted. If you're a respectable human being you won't pry or dig for answers, and you won't ask for/share screenshots of whatever it was. :)

**> > harry @HOsborn**

I like this one. **@iwouldwalk500miles** I like you. 

**> >> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Oh sdnjfdnjehr thanks. I was just doing what anyone else would tho

**> >>> JJ @jackjackjack**

Whatever. I still think that kid is hiding something. 

**> >>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

lmaoo man YOU seem like you're hiding something. are you secretly a villain? i don't think i could handle another villain in new york. 

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

so i'm on the couch with **@HOsborn** right and we're just vibing and suddenly he turns to look me dead and the eye and go ' are you fucking kidding me ' and now i'm scared what did i do

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** You know exactly what you did.

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

BUT I DONT

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

update: i know exactly what i did

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@yeeterparkour** what did you do?? you can't just say that and not explain

**> > morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

tell us what you did

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

no

**> >>>** **pb &j @yeeterparkour**

okay fine. so i took his phone last night and i changed all of his contact names and i forgot so he just. got a text from someone called ' stank ' and now i cant stop laughing bc i remembered that it's tony's contact. bc tony stank

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstank**

Stank? Really kid?

**> >>>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles **

HE GOT HIS TWITTER HANDLE TOO I CANT BREATHEEE

* * *

NOT PART OF THE CHAPTER !!!!

i just wanted to show you the pure insanity that is my draft list. this is what i'm working with y'all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sheer amount of drafts i have for this book is startling. i just build off of them to make the each chapter lmaoo.
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys so much.


	6. Yoink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ??? @sarahh_
> 
> Why did Spider-man just swing by and say 'yoink' when he webbed a man to a wall
> 
> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan
> 
> @sarahh_ LMAO HE DID WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about halfway through writing this i remembered that i still had an english assignment to do && then my laptop started glitching. i'm pretty sure that was a sign that i should do it , or maybe its a virus , but i just restarted my laptop and kept writing lmao
> 
> anyway , this is just crack right now because i forgot to plan past the first like four chapters - but i do have a plan for the two after this , so thats great !!. enjoy. mwah !

**??? @sarahh_**

Why did Spider-man just swing by and say 'yoink' when he webbed a man to a wall

  


**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@sarahh_** LMAO HE DID WHAT

  


**> > no shade @noteajustfax**

I - this man is an icon

  


**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Listen ok. I just. Yoink, y'know??

  


**> >>> ??? @sarahh_ **

understandable have a nice day.

  


* * *

  


**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** hey are u from tennessee?

  


**> potato gun @garageboy**

**@yeeterparkour**??? Yeah how'd you know

  


**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

WAIT REALLY I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE SEDGdfGB

  


**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

What was the joke?

  


**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

well now we just had a moment and so saying it would be mean :(

  


**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

Well not telling me would hurt my feelings, so your choice.

  


**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

this is guilt tripping, but fine. it was supposed to be 'are you from tennessee? really? because you're only a four' so like ,,, ur answer fit i just.

wasn't actually expecting it. this explains a lot though

  


**> >>>>>> potato gun @garageboy**

First of all, I like that. That's a good joke. Second of all, yeehaw I guess.

  


* * *

  


**harry @HOsborn**

I cannot fucking stand Peter Parker somebody take him away.

  


**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@HOsborn** :(

  


**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@HOsborn** Understandable

  


**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

ned not you too :(

  


**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

Listen buddy, I love you (no homo), but you are a handful and a half

  


**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i guess that's fair

  


**> Iron Man @tstank**

**@HOsborn** What did he do this time?

  


**> > harry @HOsborn**

We were out around 11 earlier and some old guy was all like ' it's late shouldn't you be getting home? your parents will worry'

and you know how Peter responded?

  


**> >> Iron Man @tstank**

I have a feeling I'm not going to like this. How? 

  


**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

Peter looked him right in the eye and said "my parents are dead" and I've never seen someone go from a polite smile to looking so horrified so fast

  


**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

listen in my defense i didn't even mean to say it

  


**> >>>>> harry @HOsborn**

That's even worse?? Because that means it was just an automatic response?? Are you okay??

  


**> >>>>>> Iron Man @tstank **

Jesus, kid. 

  


**> >>>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

absolutely not thanks for asking!

  


**> potato gun @garageboy**

Holy shit

  


* * *

  


**im trying ok @letmelive**  


**@sarahh_** I JUST SAW SPIDERMAN DO THE THING

  


**> ??? @sarahh_**  


**@letmelive** the yoink?

  


**> > im trying ok @letmelive**

THE YOINK

  


**> >> ??? @sarahh_**  


iconic.

  


**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**  


**@letmelive** a king  


  


* * *

  


**flash @zoomzoom**

Spider-man could raw me

  


**>** **ur mom lol @spidermanstan**  


**@zoomzoom** sir i- what the FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a way to end the chapter, huh? 
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys so much.


	7. I can't think of a creative title, so have this one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pb&j @yeeterparkour
> 
> @tstark mr stark why is there a random kid in the kitchen
> 
> > pb&j @yeeterparkour
> 
> @tstark hi pls respond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to post this like two days ago but i got lazy and only wrote like 3/4 of it and it sat in my drafts until today. 
> 
> anyway , enjoy this chapter because i finally remembered what i was going to use as a plot. it'll start to pan out over the next few chapters. mwah.

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

**@tstark** mr stark why is there a random kid in the kitchen

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@tstark** hi pls respond

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

**@yeeterparkour** You couldn't just text me?

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

u don't answer my texts but i know u go on twitter during meetings

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

I do not!

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

ur literally in one right now. n e way. pls respond

**> >>>>> Iron Man @tstark**

You got me there. It's Harley. 

**> >>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

harley? like twitter harley? like kid whose garage u broke into when he was 11 harley? that harley?

**> >>>>>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Yes, Pete, that Harley.

**> >>>>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

oh my god.

* * *

**CEO @pepperpotts**

Due to the reasons of Tony being an irresponsible adult, he will no longer be allowed on Twitter during work hours. 

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@pepperpotts** what about instagram?

**> > CEO @pepperpotts**

No.

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

facebook?

**> >>> CEO @pepperpotts**

No, Peter. Not Facebook either.

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

what about tumblr?

**> >>>>> CEO @pepperpotts**

Tony has a Tumblr?

**> >>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

no but that would be so cool

**> >>>>>>> CEO @pepperpotts**

It would be a nightmare. Now, I have to get to another meeting. Go do your homework.

**> >>>>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yes miss potts

* * *

**potato gun @garageboy**

I've known Peter Parker in real life for twelve (12) minutes and if anything happened to him I would not hesitate to maim a man.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** tbh if being saved means i have to listen to any more of your yeehaw music, just let them take me. 

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

I'd be offended if you weren't a sweetheart in real life. 

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

>:(

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@garageboy** Good to know we're on the same page. He's a pain in the ass but he's my pain in the ass, so.

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

Yeah, I'm starting to see that

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

can u believe people just sit down and,,,they just sit down and turn on country music and they just??? listen to it and have a good time??

**> potato gun @garageboy**

**@yeeterparkour**

****

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

good.

**> captain @eyeeye**

**@yeeterparkour** can u believe that some people actually have different music tastes than u?

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i know its u tim mcgraw

**> >> captain @eyeeye**

oh no, my secret identity! i was hiding it so well. 

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

not well enough, coward.

**> >>>> harry @HOsborn**

The irony of this hurts.

**> >>>>> captain @eyeeye**

irony of what?

**> >>>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

nothing

* * *

iwouldwalk500miles > Spiderman

[iwouldwalk500miles] hi

[iwouldwalk500miles] i need ur help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how we feelin' folks? 
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys so much.


	8. Two Spider-man's...Spider-men?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman  
> @unicornsass Please stop scaring the people of Twitter.
> 
> >>>>>> DP @unicornsass  
> Sorry, no can do, baby boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i caught a stomach bug and i feel like garbage. also i'm struggling bc i decided to start writing another book bc i lack self control , so now i'm working on THREE books at once. why am i like this.
> 
> anyway thank you for all the comments and kudos , they really help keep me inspired to write this , knowing that you guys are enjoying reading it ! <3
> 
> i know there isn't a whole lot of content to this chapter , but i'm trying to get the ball rolling again

iwouldwalk500miles > Spiderman

[iwouldwalk500miles] hi

[iwouldwalk500miles] i need ur help

[Spiderman] ???

[iwouldwalk500miles] well i kind of sort of might have gotten bitten by a spider

[iwouldwalk500miles] and now i'm sticking to everything

[Spiderman] Wait, really?

[iwouldwalk500miles] well i currently have five comic book pages stuck to my hand

[iwouldwalk500miles] and i walked on the side of my school building

[iwouldwalk500miles] so yes

[Spiderman] ejnfsdnj oh god okay uhm

[Spiderman] Do something that will calm you down, it helps. Then try to unstick.

[Spiderman] Where are you?

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

That awkward moment when you find out that there are other spider folks

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan **

**@Spiderman** there are WHAT

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Other spider folks

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

h o w 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Idk but if it's Oscorp again I swear

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** I didn't do it

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

👀 are you sure?

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

I think I would know

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

hm

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Jesus, really? There are more?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Yeah apparently

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Who?

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Sorry Mr Stark, not my secret to tell

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

You know I'll find out eventually

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

Yeah, well, you can wait until they decide to tell people. 

* * *

**!! @mistermr**

why is spiderman in brooklyn

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@mistermr** maybe it has to do with that new spider person

**> > !! @mistermr**

oh maybe

**> >> DP ** **@unicornsass**

What if I told you there were so many more? (◕ ᴗ ◕✿)

**> >>> doot doot @dootdoot**

wh-what? what does that mean??

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

**@unicornsass** Please stop scaring the people of Twitter.

**> >>>>> DP @unicornsass**

Sorry, no can do, baby boy.

* * *

**flash @zoomzoom**

Spider-man could dick me down any day

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@zoomzoom** i'm begging you to stop

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

no

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@zoomzoom**

  


**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@zoomzoom** Hi Flash! Please delete this before I have to bleach my eyes. Thanks! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think flash talking about wanting to get dicked down by spiderman is Very Funny bc peter is probably so traumatized , and everyone who knows spidey's identity is probably equally as traumatized.
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys so much.


	9. The Crocs Stay ON y'all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >> harry @HOsborn
> 
> Peter no.
> 
> >>> potato gun @garageboy
> 
> You're too innocent to make jokes like that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is not following the plot. it's not connected to any of the previous chapters , or chapters that will be posted in the future - it's more of a solo thing. just letting you know in advance !!

**potato gun @garageboy**

Sorry but the cowboy hat stays ON during sex

**> ??? sarahh_**

**@garageboy** bruh aren't u a minor

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

No lmao

**> >> ??? @sarahh_**

wait ,,, u arent?

**> >>> potato gun @garageboy**

I'm 18??

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** sorry but the baya realtree xtra® clogs stay ON during sex

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Peter no.

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

You're too innocent to make jokes like that

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

I'M 18 TOO ?????

**> >>>> harry @HOsborn**

You're 18 in two months. You're too innocent to make jokes like that.

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

Why did I think allowing three children to stay in my tower was a good idea? 

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@tstark** because u love us :) also. n o t children thank u very much mr stark

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

^^

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

:/

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@tstark** Because you tolerate me :)

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

I suppose. 

* * *

**flash @zoomzoom**

Can we talk about the fact that Parker knows two billionaires and lives with one

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@zoomzoom** no

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

Fair enough

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

lmaoo he ain't even put up a fight

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

the power i hold over people is astounding

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** It's the puppy look. You're a puppy.

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i do not look like a puppy!!

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

you look like a puppy

**> >>> stop that. @emjayy**

You do kind of have a puppy vibe. Hard to say no to.

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

They're not wrong.

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

I WILL NOT BE GANGED UP ON IN MY OWN CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER DAMNIT.

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

People who use water for their hot cocoa don't deserve nice things.

**> !! @mistermr**

**@Spiderman** what if they're lactose intolerant

**> > biderman @Spiderman **

If you're lactose intolerant you can stay, but you're on thin fucking ice.

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Kid, for the love of god, please stop tweeting shit like this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there's so much going on and things are really rough right now , but i'm posting this in hopes of making someone smile today.
> 
> i want you guys stay safe and take care of yourselves , okay ?


	10. Marigolds and Honeysuckles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> What if I told you I don't have bones either?
> 
> >>> step the fuck up @kyle
> 
> I'm sorry you WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. it's me again. back with more chapters not following the plot ! welcome to h*ck ! 
> 
> basically just chaos that's unrelated to the rest of the story to make you smile because you're wonderful and deserve good things !

**missy @imgoingcrazy**

Somebody please tell me why Spider-man bought flowers from a little florist's store and just. started fucking eating them 

**> no shade @noteajustfax**

**@imgoingcrazy** HE DID WHAT LMFAO

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

I'm not even kidding! He just ate some marigolds and honeysuckles and I witnessed it with my own two eyes

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@imgoingcrazy** I think it's a spider thing?? Idk I just,,,got the urge to eat them. 

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

did you buy them just to eat? or like,,, were they for somebody?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

They were for someone :/ now I have to buy more

**> >>> no shade @noteajustfax**

don't eat them this time

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

I really can't promise anything

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Update: successfully got the flowers to her! Only ate one!

**> no shade @noteajustfax**

**@Spiderman** Knew you could do it!

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Really feeling the support in this chilis tonight

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** Still cannot believe you eat fucking flowers.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

What if I told you I don't have bones either?

**> >> step the fuck up @kyle**

I'm sorry you WHAT

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

I would Not be surprised

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

I'm joking, I have bones. I think.

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

For those of you wondering, Spidey does in fact have bones. I only know this because he's broken them before.

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** Idk Mr Stark, could've just been a fluke. 

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

[REDACTED], stop scaring Twitter.

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Aw fuck.

**> >>> CEO @pepperpotts**

You're lucky your AI knows how to keep things under control, or you'd be the one fixing things this time. 

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

See? I told you they were a good idea. 

* * *

**spaghetti @eds-eds**

Who do y'all think the 'she' was that Spidey was getting flowers for

**> captain @eyeeye**

**@eds-eds** Maybe a girlfriend or wife?

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

Is Spidey even old enough to have a wife? I mean he can't be older than his 20's, right?

**> >> captain @eyeeye**

Oh, true. Still, maybe a girlfriend?

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@eds-eds** I don't think its much our business but you do you I guess ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@eds-eds** They were for my guardian, actually. She's been working a lot lately and deserved something nice :)

**> > spaghetti @eds-eds **

Oh, that's really sweet! I hope she's doing well!

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

She is! 

* * *

**doot doot @dootdoot**

Lesson's from Twitter: be like Spidey. Let your family/friends know you love and appreciate them, especially if they're going through something!

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@dootdoot** You forgot the most important thing. Eat flowers!

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

Oh, of course, how could I forget?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Harry don't encourage it. Twitter will never let me live that down.

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

You're the one that eats flowers, idiot. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying to update semi - regularly , and i have a chapter written out that actually follows the plot ( a miracle lmao ) which i'll post soon , but my updating schedule might get wonky. my mental health isn't doing great right now and while i'm writing to get my mind off of it , writing is taking a lot out of me , which sucks. i'm trying to keep at it though.


	11. Spider-man and Spider-man (they're working on the names)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> Props to Spider-man (not me, other spider-man. we really need to work on the name thing) for his suit design but spray paint is NOT it.
> 
> > 2.0 @spiderliing
> 
> @Spiderman I don't know if the colors were worth the brain cells I lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick and I was dealing with some things so I was down for a couple days, but now I'm back!! A new book is in the works, so we'll see how long it takes to actually get it published lmao. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**New York News @thedailybugle**

Spider-man possibly creating an army! Is this new Spider-man the doing of New York's Menace? [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VPbIe3eX68)]

* * *

**NY @NewYorkDaily**

Spider-man was spotted earlier today in Brooklyn, accompanying what seems to be a second Spider-man! Read about it here! [link] 

* * *

**Daily News @ThePost**

A new Spider-man has seemingly popped up in Brooklyn! Will we get a Spider team up? Is there something bigger at play? [link]

* * *

**supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

Kind of surprised how long it took Twitter's news folk to post about Spider-man tbh

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@itscomplicated** Honestly lmao. Spidey literally Tweeted abt it yesterday

**> > step the fuck up @kyle**

what do u think twitter news people do during the day? like do they just ,,, sit around and scroll twitter, waiting for things they can publish??

**> >> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

Honestly, who knows. Do they work from home? Do they work in small cubicles in an office?

**> >>> doot doot @dootdoot**

Do they pick some random person to control the Twitter or do they have a specific skill set you need to have to control it???? Is it just one person? 

**> >>>> step the fuck up @kyle**

top ten questions science still can't answer

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Props to Spider-man (not me, other spider-man. we really need to work on the name thing) for his suit design but spray paint is NOT it.

**> 2.0 @spiderliing**

**@Spiderman** I don't know if the colors were worth the brain cells I lost.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I'm never going to get the smell out of my nose or clothes

**> >> 2.0 @spiderliing**

Sorry Spidey

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** did he make his own suit? or is it one of yours?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

He borrowed one of my extras, but made some upgrades! Super smart dude!!

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

better not tell stark or else he'll try to adopt him too

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Oh god you're right.

**> >>>> 2.0 @spiderliing**

Aw, but that would be so cool!

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

Trust me, it's only fun until he goes full IronDad mode. 

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

hey **@sciencesideoftwitter** why does the world hate me

**> science @siencesideoftwitter**

**@yeeterparkour** because your username is yeeterparkour

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

ouch.

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

Want some ice for that burn, darlin?

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

kiss my ass, keener

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

I mean, ever heard of kissing it better?

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

hARLEY NO

* * *

**gitc @mrleeds**

**@emjayy** Peter swore!

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@mrleeds** snitch

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@gitc** He's a big boy, Ned. He's allowed to swear.

**> > gitc @mrleeds**

he's also flirting with harley

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

We know Harley won't hurt him. Right **@garageboy**?

**> >>> potato gun @garageboy**

Yes ma'am.

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

I can only hope you don't ever turn against me, MJ. You're powerful and I am but a weak mortal being.

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

I'M NOT FLIRTING

**> >>>>>> gitc @mrleeds**

looked like flirting to me, man.

* * *

**2.0 @spiderliing**

Hi Twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I only put links in the daily bugle sections what about it
> 
> I hope you guys smile today. Take care of yourselves - drink some water, eat a meal, wash your hands. All the good stuff!


	12. Bleach is NOT a drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>> harry @HOsborn
> 
> Was it Deadpool?
> 
> >>>>>>> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> It was Deadpool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, kind of Spidey-centric. Sorry about that. Kind of just a filler while I work on the next chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Edit : i forgot to change the title and add the chapter summary. sorry about that.
> 
> also oh my god !!! thank you for all the kudos and comments !!!

**biderman @Spiderman**

Hey does anybody have any bleach?

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** did you get blood on your suit?

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

I don't think he can bleach his suit bc its red?

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

oh right

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

No, it's to drink

**> >>>> doot doot @dootdoot**

sPIDEY NO

**> >>>>> gitc @mrleeds**

would that even kill you? like wouldn't ur metabolism eat it up too fast?

**> >>>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

let's find out!

**> >>>>>>> gitc @mrleeds**

SPIDERMAN nO

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Update: my plans have been foiled by Mr Stark

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** You are NOT drinking bleach, you absolute heathen.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

That's fair I guess. It doesn't even taste good

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

Spider-man, does that imply you've drank bleach before? 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

No, but I know someone who has

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Kid, who the fuck are you friends with that has drank bleach?

**> >>>>> harry @HOsborn**

Was it Deadpool?

**> >>>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

It was Deadpool.

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@Spiderman** good, bleach is Not a drink

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

:(

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@Spiderman** ur not seriously considering drinking bleach????

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

No, is just jokes!!

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

Little PSA here, Bleach is not a drink. Do not consume bleach. It is bad for your health. Don't be like Spider-man.

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@tstark** Don't be like Deadpool either

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

Actually, just don't be like anyone who's willing to drink Bleach. Or any sort of toxic substance. Or cause others bodily harm. 

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** A very good rule to follow. Don't be like us reckless folk!!

**> > harry @HOsborn**

You're a good role model like, 70% of the time.

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

What's the other 30% of the time?

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

A reckless idiot who doesn't care for his own well being.

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

Fair enough.

* * *

**stop that. @emjayy**

I'm friends with a bunch of idiots.

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@emjayy** aw, you consider us friends?

**> > stop that. @emjayy**

:/

**> flash @zoomzoom**

**@emjayy** Yeah you are

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

You're friends with her too, so technically she's calling you an idiot too

**> >> flash @zoomzoom**

Shit, you're right

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

Of course I am 

**> >>>> flash @zoomzoom**

Shut up you nerd

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

aw, i care about u too :)

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@emjayy** lmaoo you'd think that for a bunch of geniuses they'd be smarter

**> > stop that. @emjayy**

Honestly. 

* * *

**no shade @noteajustfax**

Twitter really do be chaotic today huh

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@noteajustfax** it do be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Don't drink bleach it is Very bad for your health!
> 
> I hope you have a good day, thank you for reading!


	13. Sandwich (not the goat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> @tstark Keep an eye on your timeline :)
> 
> > traitor @tstark
> 
> @Spiderman Why?
> 
> >> traitor @tstark
> 
> Oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Only using like, six characters this chapter? More likely than you think. Basically just a filler while I work on the next chapter because I'm horrible and haven't updated since the beginning of this month. Sorry for the wait and the trash quality
> 
> Edit: forgot chapter summary and it was numbered wrong lmao

**biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark @garageboy @HOsborn** Which one of you fuckers ate my sandwich. I know it was one of y'all.

**> potato gun @garageboy**

**@Spiderman** T'was not I

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I don't believe you

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

Why??? not????

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Idk you're just suspicious. Literally nobody talks like that

**> >>>> DP @unicornsass**

am i nobody now, baby boy? o(╥﹏╥)o

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

Literally nobody except for DP talks like that

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Why am I tagged? I'm not even with you.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Because, Mr Stark, you were here an hour ago around the suspected time my sandwich went missing, therefore you are a suspect.

**> >> Iron Man**

You've been spending too much time around Nelson and Murdock.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

I love my lawyer buddies.

* * *

**ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

Can we talk about the fact that spidey called his friends fakes over a sandwich

**> no shade @noteajustfax**

**@spidermanstan** what if it was a really good sandwich

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

Valid

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@spidermanstan** also that he swore

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

He's too babey for that

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

he really is omg

**> >>> DP @unicornsass**

spidey is a baby and we love him for it

**> >>>> im trying ok @letmelive**

did fucking deadpool just reply to this

**> >>>>> DP @unicornsass**

yes (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

**@HOsborn** You been real silent about my sandwich, got anything to say for yourself?

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** It was Tony

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

**@garageboy** Can you confirm

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

Yes, can confirm it was Tony.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Thanks, gotta go :)

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

Ominous as hell

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** Keep an eye on your timeline :)

**> traitor @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Why?

**> > traitor @tstark**

Oh no

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Things Tony Stark doesn't want you to know (or dumb shit he's done): a thread

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@Spiderman** He once drank a smoothie that had nails in it made by Dum-E without realizing, yelled at him, then cried when Dum-E beeped. He'd been awake for like two days straight.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

He dumped two vials of unknown substances into a beaker once because he wanted to see what would happen. It melted a hole through the table and the room had to be blocked off for a week.

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

The first time I stayed the night at the tower I crawled into the kitchen on the ceiling to get a midnight snack. He screamed like a girl, standing there in Captain America pajamas and dropped his cereal. He pouted the rest of the day because they got dirty.

**> traitor @tstark**

**@Spiderman** I am literally begging you to stop. I'll do anything

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Anything?

**> >> traitor @tstark**

Anything.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Then perish.

* * *

**midtown reporter @bbrant**

This just in: Tony Stark gets OBLITERATED by Spider-man

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@bbrant** I feel like I have knowledge that I shouldn't

**> > midtown reporter @bbrant**

Gonna be honest, me too.

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@bbrant** First he exposes him, then he just. He destroys him.

* * *

**potato gun @garageboy**

**@Spiderman** I would like to personally thank you, this is the funniest shit I've seen happen on my TL all month. Even if you did try blaming me at first.

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@garageboy** Okay l i s t e n. You've stolen my food before, I just had to be sure. 

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

Okay fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse any mistakes, I wrote this all in one sitting. It's 6 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. Quarantine done screwed my schedule. 
> 
> I hope you guys smile today. Take care of yourselves - drink some water, eat a meal, wash your hands. All the good stuff


	14. Peter Parker is a dumbass <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > stop that. @emjayy
> 
> @zoomzoom I wish I knew you idiots back then. What I wouldn't give to see the distress on your face in that moment.  
> 
> 
> >> flash @zoomzoom
> 
> Do you just carry that sketchbook everywhere or?  
> 
> 
> >>> stop that. @emjayy
> 
> Yeah, but I always have a pencil ready when you're around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just woke up and found that two of my drafts got deleted and I know one was my vampire au (I'm very mad about that) but I have no idea what the other one was?? dsfjkdsfh
> 
> Also maybe slightly OOC Flash here but only because he's not a total ass lmao. This is kind of all over the place (and it's basically just a fun chapter make u forget that I ever had a plot) but I wrote it all in one sitting and didn't edit it or plan in advance so :)
> 
> Enjoy! <3

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

when i get murdered, don't try to figure out who did it. i want to my case to be on buzzfeed unsolved

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@yeeterparkour** "when" 

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yes that's what i said

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

so you're like,,,planning to be murdered someday?

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i'm just being hopefully optimistic

* * *

**stop that. @emjayy**

Pepper Potts is the only valid person on this site. I said what I said.

**> midtown reporter @bbrant**

**@emjayy** Yeah, that's fair. 

**> > stop that. @emjayy**

Glad you agree.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@emjayy** i was gonna argue but i can't because you're right. we're all invalid next to Miss Potts. she is the only one

**> > ??? @sarahh_**

the only one what

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

The Only One.

**> >>> ??? @sarahh_ **

a-alright...

* * *

**potato gun @garageboy**

Friendly reminder that Peter Parker is a dumbass <3

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@garageboy** What did he do now?

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

Nothing, he's just always a dumbass.

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

Alright, carry on then. 

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

this is cyberbullying

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

Cyberbullying isn't real, just turn off your computer lmao

**> >>>>> harry @HOsborn**

****

* * *

**flash @zoomzoom**

Throwback to the time in seventh grade when I was trying to insult **@yeeterparkour** by calling him gay and he just went "yeah basically" 

**> alana @uhohstinky**

**@zoomzoom** But why gay as an insult

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

I had a lot of internalized homophobia lmao

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@zoomzoom** I wish I knew you idiots back then. What I wouldn't give to see the distress on your face in that moment.

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

Do you just carry that sketchbook everywhere or?

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

Yeah, but I always have a pencil ready when you're around

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@zoomzoom** holy shit i remember that. i accidentally came out in front of like fifty people and you looked so shocked

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

Man, I'm sorry for making you come out like that

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

nah man, it's all good. granted i didn't mean to do it that way, it was still my choice. i'm just a human disaster tbh

**> >>> flash @zoomzoom**

Yeah you are

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

okay now go back to insulting me or something, having this heart to heart with you is making me uneasy sjdfhkjsd

**> >>>>> flash @zoomzoom**

Alright asshole 

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

the problem with bisexuality is that i can see a girl and go omg she's so pretty. b u t. i can turn around and see a guy and think the e x a c t same thing???

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@yeeterparkour** You can get both guys and girls and yet you're still single? Boy, you're all bi yourself

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

first of all, am i? 👀 second of all, boooo bad joke

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

waitwaitwait are you not single?

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

👀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! go to bed if it's late. ily guys so much.


	15. #teamred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan
> 
> @Spiderman oh my god you actually did it, i didn't think he'd agree
> 
> >> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> He didn't
> 
> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan
> 
> ??? then how did u get him to make an account
> 
> >>>> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> I know a guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how has it already been five days since i last posted? time isn't real anymore.
> 
> here's a new chapter. enjoy! <3

**SW @spideywatch**

Spider-man was seen with Daredevil earlier??? Just?? Vibing on a rooftop?? 

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@spideywatch** ASjfsdkhjhf shhhh Mr Stark can't know

**> > SW @spideywatch**

Why not?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

He hates when I'm with DD

**> >>> SW @spideywatch**

Huh

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@spideywatch** do you just know every vigilante/hero in New York?? **@Spiderman**

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

No, I don't think so? Just DD, Miss Jones, Mr Luke Cage, Danny, other Spidey, Mr Castle...okay maybe I do??

**> >> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

we-

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** Why am I finding out through Twitter that you're still hanging out with Daredevil? 

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** Sorry Mr Stark, but

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

We will be having words

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

I can't hear u sorry

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@tstark** he also knows frank castle

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

HAROLD WHAT THE FUCK

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** _There will be words_

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Since I'm already in trouble, I'm gonna make the most of it. Should I force Daredevil to make a twitter

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** that's an awful idea. yes you should. 

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** No that's a bad idea

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Your opinion means nothing to me, traitor

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@Spiderman** do it man!

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** I mean you're right, you're already in trouble, how much worse can it get? Go for it

**> DP @unicornsass**

**@Spiderman** oh em gee! you totally should! we can make #teamred finally trend!!! 

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

He hates that name

**> >> DP @unicornsass**

all the more reason to use it sugarplum! 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

You're absolutely right

* * *

**ding ding @abeee**

Two of my classmates just casually knowing Spider-man, Tony Stark, and Harry Osborn and nobody asking about it anymore is such a weird thing

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@abeee** i literally don't know what to tell u man, it just kind of happened

**> > ding ding @abeee**

That's why I don't ask

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@abeee** I'm still in awe of it

**> > ding ding @abeee**

man, I would be too

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Guys, gals, non-binary pals, may I present to you, **@devilman**

**> DD @devilman**

**@Spiderman** I hope you know that you are the worst and I hate you

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I love you too DD 

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** oh my god you actually did it, i didn't think he'd agree

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

He didn't

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

??? then how did u get him to make an account

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

I know a guy

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

i'm just not going to ask

**> DP @unicornsass**

**@Spiderman** you did it baby boy, the gangs all here!!! #teamred ヾ(＠⌒▽⌒＠)ﾉ ＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）人（＾○＾)／ (<<< us)

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

#teamred

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

#teamred is a thing now

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** Tony is going to kill you, but #teamred

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I know

_**Trending on Twitter** _

_**#teamred** _

_**44.3k tweets** _

**_#DaredevilOnTwitter_ **

**_25.2k tweets_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm chaos. i don't know what's happening. i'm tired.
> 
> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! i hope you smile today.


	16. sir, this is a wendy's drive - thru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> So as it turns out I've been lightly stabbed
> 
>   
> > Iron Man @tstark
> 
> @Spiderman I'm sorry, you've been WHAT? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are so nice with your comments and kudos 🥺🥺 it's been a while since i updated and i'm sorry about that. uhh i hope you like this chaos !! :)
> 
> enjoy ! <3

**biderman @Spiderman**

So as it turns out I've been lightly stabbed

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** I'm sorry you've been WHAT? 

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

lightly stabbed

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Jesus christ. All of my gray hairs are your fault. Stay where you are.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman **

sir yes sir

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Update: I'm fine

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** I mean personally I would not consider having a stab wound in my side as fine but idk you do you spidey

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Actually it's in my thigh

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

they could've hit your femoral artery!! :(

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Don't worry they missed it by like an inch!!! I'm really okay!! :D

* * *

**no shade @noteajustfax**

Spidey comforting someone bc they're worried about him is the softest thing

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@noteajustfax** Spidey is the softest thing

**> > PJ @jamesp23**

Spidey is the softest

**> >> no shade @noteajustfax**

Spidey is the

**> >>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

Spidey is

**> >>>> h*ck happens @thegoodestboy**

Spidey

* * *

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

in case anyone ever wondered what it's like to practically live with a billionaire, today i complained because there were seeds in the smoothie i bought and mr stark offered to buy the whole fucking company

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@yeeterparkour** Haven't I done something like that before?

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

no u just threatened to sue them 

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

Ah, right. To be fair they scammed you 

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

harry. harold. sir. my guy. it happens all the time i literally Do Not Care anymore

**> >>>> harry @HOsborn**

That's exactly why I should've done it, it wasn't a one time thing!

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

rich people are so exhausting, i rest my case

**> saucy @pplolol**

**@yeeterparkour** oh to be a seed in a smoothie drank by u 😔😔💔 

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

what does this mean ???

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

* * *

**gitc @mrleeds**

seeing people try to flirt with my bestfriend because he knows famous people is the worst thing i've witnessed. like he has no idea what to do he just kind of stares, shocked. it's both funny and disturbing to hear people talk like that

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

it is the Worst part of my day and i can't escape it. why did i ever make a twitter. why do i have over 15k followers. help.

**> > gitc @mrleeds**

besides aren't you??? not single???

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

eXACTLY WHY IT'S EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE NED. DO U KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP THESE TWEETS OFF OF HIS TL

**> >>> midtown reporter @bbrant**

Oh my god you have a boyfriend?

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yeah 😔😔

**> >>>>> midtown reporter @bbrant**

Peter who

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

figure it out urself :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take care of yourselves guys ! wash your hands , drink some water , eat a meal. all the good things !! i hope you smile today.


	17. Hypothetically, of course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> Life is a lawnmower and I am grass
> 
> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan
> 
> @Spiderman that's rlly poetic but like are u okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter because you guys are so supportive and give me motivation!!! thank you so much for all your kudos and kind words, it really makes my day.
> 
> enjoy! <3

**biderman @Spiderman**

Life is a lawnmower and I am grass

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** that's rlly poetic but like are u okay

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Absolutely not thanks! :)

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** What does that even mean?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Life runs me over and cuts me down every time I start growing and living my best, healthy life until I am nothing but sad, short grass

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

I can't tell if this is another one of your memes or if I need to call your therapist again

* * *

**> potato gun @garageboy**

Reminder that Peter Parker is a whole baby and if you try doing anything bad to him I'll expose your ass <3

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

**@garageboy** Did you just threaten everyone on Twitter

**> >> potato gun @garageboy**

What about it old man?

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

I'm going to leave you on the side of the road

**> >>>> potato gun @garageboy**

No ❤️

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@garageboy** i u can't threaten people :(

**> > potato gun @garageboy**

I can and I will sweetheart

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

harley no

**> >>> potato gun @garageboy**

Harley yes

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

whatever. come play animal crossing i'm bored

**> >>>>> potato gun @garageboy**

Yessir

* * *

**doot doot @dootdoot**

you would not believe ur eyes, if ten million fireflies

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@dootdoot** i see this and raise you, that song but it's only the words u would not believe ur eyes [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXDrliqTQ5g&t=52s)]

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

bless ur soul, i'm going to listen to it now

**> >> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

if it gets stuck in ur head i'm sorry, but not really i want people to suffer like i did

**> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

that's valid, i'm abt to listen too. wish my brain luck 

**> >>>> doot doot @dootdoot**

what brain lmao

**> >>>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

u know what, that's valid. i'm very small brain.

* * *

**SW @spideywatch**

Spider-man was seen with the Defenders earlier and I'm gonna cry they're all so attractive

**> im @havingafuckingcrisis**

**@spideywatch** I think you're like,,,the most chill news-esque outlet I've seen thus far

**> > SW @spideywatch**

Yeah well I don't like bashing people who do the police's job lol

**> >> im @havingafuckingcrisis**

The amount of SHADE in that one message oh my god

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

**@spideywatch** you can't even see two of their faces??

**> > SW @spideywatch**

That Does Not Matter they're still attractive

**> >> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

I mean yeah they totally are. Have you SEEN Daredevil's jawline? Holy shit

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** Okay so, hypothetically, if I were to bring one of my friends to the tower bc they were hurt and our nurse isn't available would u be mad?

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@Spiderman** What? Who's hurt? You have a nurse? 

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Yeah we do and uhh hypothetically, because it's a hypothetical, it's Daredevil. would u be mad

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

I'm not even at the tower, but Cho is there. We will be having words about this when I get back you heathen.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Cool cool cool. I gtg tho there's a lot of blood 

* * *

**Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@Spiderman** Is Daredevil okay???

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@sodapoppy** Yeah he's fine now! 

**> > Poppy @sodapoppy**

What even happened?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman **

Freaking ninjas. 

**> >>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

N-ninjas?

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

Yeah :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little all over the place, sorry about that. also, there might be a little uhhh chaos/angst coming up within the next couple chapters so i hope y'all are ready for that ;)
> 
> take care of yourselves! eat something, drink some water, all that stuff! i hope you guys smile today.


	18. I'm small brain rn, have this title.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > pb&j @yeeterparkour
> 
> @bbrant i would literally never date flash if he was the last person on earth. also ned? he's like a brother to me. eugh.  
>    
> >> flash @zoomzoom
> 
> Ouch??
> 
> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour
> 
> noah fence man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> delaying the angst/chaos/whateverthefuck bc i don't know how i was gonna write it out. hope u don't mind.
> 
> also been working on some drafts, finally got one done and published it. now i just have to edit my newest one and i can post that one too !!! go me !!
> 
> anyway sorry for the week long wait, but in my defense...well i don't have any excuse but u know what ur not even my real dad i do what i want.
> 
> enjoy! <3

**step the fuck up @kyle**

no cap, could probably take spider-man in a fight

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@kyle** but he has super strength? and can probably fight for hours? 

**> > step the fuck up @kyle**

yes, but i'm not a criminal and he's too soft to put up a real fight

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

honestly,,,yeah, but also his pride. he'd probably just web u up

**> >>> step the fuck up @kyle**

without webs tho???

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@kyle** oh bet. **@Spiderman** they want to fight you!!

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Omg someone wants to fight me?? Actually not surprised at all, but like ion wanna hurt them 😔 **👉👈**

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

soft.

**> >>> step the fuck up @kyle**

**@spidermanstan** told you fool

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

jsdghkjds y'all rlly out here talking to spider-man like this

* * *

**midtown reporter @bbrant**

Theories on who Peter is dating: 

\- possibly Ned. Really close for just friends. Whisper and touch a lot.

\- Flash? Pretty unlikely, but they might be keeping up the bully/bullied for show. They're more friendly toward each other as of recent.

\- maybe Michelle. They seem to like each other enough.

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@bbrant** betty, michelle is a lesbian. 

**> > midtown reporter @bbrant**

I...yeah I guess that makes sense. 

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

You shouldn't go around outing people like that without their consent, even if it seems like public knowledge. But yes, I am in fact, the big Lesbian.

**> >>> ding ding @abeee**

oh fuck i'm sorry michelle

**> >>>> stop that. @emjayy**

It's whatever, dude.

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@bbrant** By the way, you're missing the super obvious answer. None of those are correct.

**> > midtown reporter @bbrant**

What is the obvious answer???

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

You'll figure it out.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@bbrant** i would literally never date flash if he was the last person on earth. also ned? he's like a brother to me. eugh.

**> > flash @zoomzoom**

Ouch??

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

noah fence man

**> >>> flash @zoomzoom**

It's whatever, I wouldn't go for you either.

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

don't know if i'm offended you wouldn't, or flattered that you think of me as a brother

* * *

**midtown reporter @bbrant**

**@yeeterparkour** who are you dating I'm going to die if I don't find out.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

then perish ❤️

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Watching people speculate who my best friend is dating is both amusing and kind of disturbing. Twitter is a nightmare. 

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@HOsborn** you do know, right?

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Peter what kind of friend would I be if I didn't?

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

a non stalker-y one?

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

yeah that's fair

* * *

**ding ding @abeee**

oh my god i know who parker's dating

**> midtown reporter @bbrant**

**@abeee** Who??

**> > ding ding @abeee**

look at his twitter activity in the past week or so

**> >> midtown reporter @bbrant**

Time to investigate.

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@abeee** aye ur not dumb congrats

**> > ding ding @abeee**

thank

* * *

**Potato gun @garageboy**

lmao

* * *

**no shade @noteajustfax**

tell me why I'm so invested in the dating mystery of a kid from new york that i've literally never met

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

**@noteajustfax** he has like almost 30k followers and tony stark talks to him sometimes. he's like, kind of famous. people are always up in famous people's business

**> > no shade @noteajustfax**

the sad truth. they don't get any privacy, but also i can't help myself. i'm sorry mr peter parker sir

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

i forgive u

**> >>> no shade @noteajustfax**

omg i've been replied to by a celebrity!!1!!11!

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

ew i hate that

* * *

**midtown reporter @bbrant**

I KNOW WHO PETER'S DATING. HOW AM I SO OBLIVIOUS THE ANSWER HAS BEEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired, i need a nap. not much direct spider-man in this chapter, but he'll definitely be in the next few.
> 
> take care of yourselves! eat something, drink some water, all that stuff! i hope you guys smile today.


	19. Tbh I don't know anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > no shade @noteajustfax
> 
> @Spiderman What did you even do
> 
> >> biderman @Spiderman
> 
> I moved all of his furniture just far enough to the left to be annoying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated in ages uhhh i'm tired all the time and haven't really had the motivation to write anything so i took a small hiatus. also sorry that i'm still not posting the chaos/angst/whateverthefuck you wanna call it, i have no idea what i was gonna do because my draft of that chapter got deleted. i'm a whole mess right now, hope you can forgive me. 
> 
> enjoy! <3

**haley @cutsiehaley**

oh to sit in a 50's style diner in a polka dot dress and share a milkshake with my girlfriend after coming back from the drive in theater 😔

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@cutsiehaley** that's cute, but also damn you have a girlfriend?

**> > haley @cutsiehaley**

well no but like i really want one

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

ugh me too man

**> >>> haley @cutsiehaley**

u know...i want a girlfriend, you want a girlfriend...seems we're in the same boat here

**> >>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

👀 if ur saying what i think ur saying...u should check ur dm's

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@cutsiehaley** can't believe you just possibly finessed yourself a girlfriend oh my god

**> > haley @cutsiehaley**

and people try to tell me i don't have game

**> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

**@cutsiehaley** that was smooth. **@emjayy** couldn't be you, coward

**> > stop that. @emjayy**

Shut up loser, I could get a date if I wanted.

**> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

maybe if you stopped being a coward and told her

**> >>> stop that. @emjayy**

Is that a challenge? 

**> >>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

perhaps it is.

**> >>>>> haley @cutsiehaley**

**@emjayy** from one lesbian to another, you can do it, i believe in you.

* * *

**missy @imgoingcrazy**

guess who just got a girlfriend? me. i did.

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@imgoingcrazy** you rn? [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz9y1B_xbP8)]

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

yeah that's me rn

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

haha nice

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@imgoingcrazy** you go best friend!! so when y'all moving in and getting the cat?

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

not everyone does that abby. we're not conforming to the stereotype of typical lesbian culture portrayed by the internet, we're taking it slow.

**> > haley @cutsiehaley**

we're not? 🥺🥺

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

nvm i'm booking the uhaul

**> >>> im trying ok @letmelive**

that's what i thought.

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Pro tip: don't get on Daredevil's bad side, he will ruin your life. 

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** WAIT WAS THAT YOU IN THE BRIGHT PINK SPIDER-MAN SUIT I THOUGHT THAT WAS SOME COSPLAYER AFHSDGGFDH

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Unfortunately, yes. 

**> no shade @noteajustfax**

**@Spiderman** What did you even do?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I moved all of his furniture just far enough to the left to be annoying

**> >> no shade @noteajustfax**

Oh that's just cold Spidey

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Listen, to be fair, last week he had DP switch my clothing around in my drawers.

**> >>>> no shade @noteajustfax**

Why didn't he do it himself tho?

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

uhhh that's classified.

**> >>>>>> no shade @noteajustfax**

????

**> DP @unicornsass**

**@Spiderman** i think u look perfect bby boy 💕 it's vry stylish!! u can never go wrong with pink 💕💕💕

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I know you helped him, you're the only person that would pick the brightest pink and add glitter. I'll get you back for this. Also I'm telling Mr Stark >:(

**> >> DP @unicornsass**

tell iron daddy hi for me bby <3 gtg, have 2 go 'talk' 2 sum ppl. 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Don't kill anybody or I'll sic DD on you

**> >>>> DP @unicornsass**

yessir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me projecting onto characters again
> 
> take care of yourselves! eat something, drink some water, all that stuff! i hope you guys smile today.


	20. Here it is folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen ok...i know it's been over two months since i updated. better late than never though, right? anyway, this chapter is a dumpster that's on fire that you'd probably find at three am behind The Denny's (you know the one), but i hope you like it anyway.
> 
> also i'm lowkey not even in the marvel fandom anymore for the time being but i can't just leave y'all hanging. so uhhh i'm sorry ?
> 
> enjoy! <3

**SW @spideywatch**

Spider-Man was seen earlier this morning in Queens without his mask on -- due to both legal reasons and the fact I'm not a dick, pictures will not be included, because I did not take any.

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@spideywatch** If you do have pictures, or know someone who took them, respect his privacy and delete them! Be a decent human being!

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@spideywatch** oh shit, what? i don't care how badly you want to know who he is behind the mask, don't post any pictures guys!

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@spideywatch** i saw someone taking pictures, but they left before anyone could talk to them. what do i do?? i'm worried they'll post them somewhere

**> > SW @spideywatch**

**@pepperpotts @SIofficial** <<< Try getting their attention so they can take care of it! 

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@SIofficial @pepperpotts**

**> >>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@SIofficial @pepperpotts**

* * *

**Stark Industries @SIofficial**

We've been alerted of the recent situation concerning photos of Spider-man, and ask that if you know who took photos, contact us via DM's or email. s*******l@gmail.com

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@SIofficial** I saw somebody taking pictures but I don't know who it was

**> > Stark Industries @SIofficial**

Contact us anyway with the information you have and we can try to figure it out together.

* * *

**CEO @pepperpotts**

I'm sure by now everyone has heard the news of pictures of Spiderman's face possibly being leaked, so I'm asking you guys to please keep any pictures off of the internet. His identity is hidden for a reason. There--

**> CEO @pepperpotts**

**@Spiderman** \-- are people in his life that he's protecting from what he does. If the people he fights and puts away find out his friends and family's identities, it can put them all in danger. So please keep that in mind.

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Not so friendly reminder that doxxing is illegal, and we've got some pretty strong legal teams over here at both SI and Oscorp (:

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@HOsborn** threatening smiley threatening smiley thr

**> > harry @HOsborn**

(:

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@HOsborn** I would not wanna get on his bad side

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

no, you really really don't

**> >> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

you speaking from experience or -

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yes. and i was on the friendly bad side. rip anyone who gets on the not friendly bad side of harold osborn

**> >>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

so you gonna expand on what happened ?

**> >>>>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

no

**> >>>>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

understandable have a nice day

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@HOsborn** you go harry!! threaten those bitches!!!

**> > no shade @noteajustfax**

yeah harry!!! you go harry!!!

**> >> step the fuck up @kyle**

you go mr osborn!!

**> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

'mr osborn' LMAOOO

**> >>>> step the fuck up @kyle**

i didn't wanna be impolite leave me alone **😭**

* * *

**New York News @thedailybugle**

Spider-man was seen in an alleyway earlier this morning without his mask on. Pictures included in latest article! [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGqOwLnlacQ)]

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@thedailybugle** i'm not clicking the link but i just wanted to say -- i hope u get sued for a lot of money bc y'all just THAT bitch <3 

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@thedailybugle** @/everyone just come report the tweet!!

* * *

**TRENDING on twitter:**

**#spideyunmasked**

**4.1k tweets**

**#applejuice**

**6.3k tweets**

**#screwthedailybugle**

**12.7k tweets**

**#protectspidey**

**32.9k tweets**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i know i always make the bugle the bad guy, but i need someone to pin it on okay. and peter just responding to tweets like he ain't about to be in deep shit lmao. anyway this one is just a filler, so the next one will be longer. whenever i get to it. i promise i won't make you wait another two months (maybe). 
> 
> also i don't know if ao3 gives you notifications through your email when someone updates if you bookmarked/subscribed, because i literally never check my email to find out, but i just did a mass edit last night so if they do...sorry lmao.
> 
> take care of yourselves! wash your hands, drink some water, eat a snack. i hope you smile today!


	21. I'm running out of titles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2.0 @spiderliing  
> @Spiderman how you doin buddy?
> 
> > biderman @Spiderman  
> @spiderliing ):
> 
> >> 2.0 @spiderliing  
> yeah :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma be real with u chief, i have no idea what's happening anymore. then again, i never really did to begin with. i'm trying not to create too much angsty chaos bc where's the fun in that, but also i started this so now i have to finish it, i can't just sweep it under the rug. i have regrets, and this plot is one of them. 
> 
> i haven't edited it yet, but idk i'll get to it at some point.
> 
> enjoy! <3

**2.0 @spiderliing**

**@Spiderman** how you doin buddy?

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@spiderliing** ):

**> > 2.0 @spiderliing**

yeah :(

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

do you think if i keep tweeting like normal people will pretend nothing happened

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** i mean u can try

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

cool cool cool

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** imma be real with u, i'm surprised it held up this long

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

what

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

ur secret identity

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

oh 100% me too, dude, but also. craving die?

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

no ❤️️

* * *

**flash @zoomzoom**

I cannot fucking believe.

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@zoomzoom** YOU REALLY BULLIED SPIDER-MAN ALL THROUGH SCHOOL ANDSJGJDFDG

**> > midtown reporter @bbrant**

He thirsted after him too. Like. Right in front of his face.

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

HE DID I 

**> >>> flash @zoomzoom**

Shut up shut up shut up sh

* * *

**JJ @jackjackjack**

We've really been trusting a CHILD to "protect" us all this time?? 

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@jackjackjack** you say "protect" sarcastically as if he hasn't saved countless lives? 

**> > JJ @jackjackjack**

And how many has he hurt in turn? 10? 20? 40?

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

i'd like to see you swing around the city and deal with robbers, weapons dealers, alien tech, actual fucking ALIENS. let's see how well you hold up, yeah?

not to mention he does this on top of his social life and schooling.

**> >>> no shade @noteajustfax**

adding onto that ^^^ if you really think you can do all of that without casualties, i'm afraid to inform you otherwise. entire cities have been destroyed

by the avengers during missions (no hate to them tho), but you're choosing to focus on this one kid trying to do good?

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@jackjackjack** Listen dude, he CHOOSES to go out and do this. He isn't obligated to. This TEENAGER chooses to risk his own life to protect the people

of New York, just to get this treatment from people like you in turn? Not fair at all.

* * *

**doot doot @dootdoot**

ok but who picks these teenyboppers as 'the chosen one'?? what god out there like 'ur it!! ur the one!!' like no bro i'm just trying to pass my classes lmao

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@dootdoot** jsdghsks honestly?? I know at least four other youngsters who're in the world of superheroing which is kind of weird

* * *

**h*ck happens @goodestboy**

I signed off of twitter for two (2) weeks and I come back and everything's gone to heck

**> haley @cutsiehaley**

**@goodestboy** yeah that happens

* * *

**captain @eyeeye**

So **@Spiderman** are you gonna address the news or...??

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@eyeeye** no ❤️

**> > captain @eyeeye**

but it's really serious?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

yeah but also i've had like three (3) mental breakdowns over the past two days when i go to address it so

**> >>> captain @eyeeye**

shit dude, I'm sorry about that. I hope things are okay.

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

it's fine. things are just rlly stressful yk?? sort of been on lockdown since photos came out and had to get security on my friends/family. a lot's been going on :/

* * *

**potato gun @garageboy**

I don't usually tweet anything serious, but this needs to be addressed. A lot of people have been spreading the pictures lately, but this is what you choose to ignore.

> **> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**
> 
> it's fine. things are just rlly stressful yk?? sort of been on lockdown since photos came out and had to get security on my friends/family. a lot's been going on :/

**> potato gun @garageboy**

**@garageboy** Spider-man's identity wasn't just some puzzle for you guys to figure out. It's not a game. He's a person with his own life and people he cares about, but now,

because some douchewad wanted a five cent raise, he's on lockdown and has to have security with him and everyone he knows. Are you happy now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna try steering us back to the comedy soon, bc that's what this book was meant to be lmao. anyway this got kind of long, i wasn't intending it to be like that. everyone has differing opinions. it kept going from comedy to chaos to comedy to angst and i think i got whiplash from my own writing tbh.
> 
> peter : haha funny, i'll turn it into a joke so it goes away!  
> also peter one (1) tweet later : this is causing severe stress and i've cried seven times in the past two hours pls 
> 
> take care of yourselves! wash your hands, drink some water, eat a snack. i hope you smile today!


	22. peter parker? no, alternate steve rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > flash @zoomzoom  
> I fucking bullied you and you literally did not do a thing????
> 
> >> pb&j @yeeterparkour  
> well yeah bc it was better to be me bc i can heal really fast, than someone who can't. i could have crushed u like a bug my guy
> 
> >>> flash @zoomzoom  
> I...wow alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short bc i'm struggling lmao
> 
> enjoy! <3

**pb &j @yeeterparkour**

alright twitter listen up. pepper is like, 100% gonna kill me for this but i'm tired of everything?? the pictures are already out idk what more can be done as damage control. i'm spider-man. that's it. that's the tweet. now u know. can we go on with our days now or

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@yeeterparkour** yeah pepper's gonna kill you for that but like,,, proud of you buddy

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

say something nice at my funeral

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

nah i'm gonna say embarrassing stuff

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

the audacity.

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@yeeterparkour** I still can't believe that you, Peter Parker who plays with lego and can't do anything in gym, are Spider-man. Like I'm also not surprised though

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

fooled all of u, i can literally lift over 10 tons so the jokes on u

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

is that why you just ditched the glasses one day

**> >>> pb&j @yeeterparkour**

yeah i didn't need them anymore

**> midtown reporter @bbrant**

**@yeeterparkour** it was right under my nose and I didn't even come to that conclusion

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

what did you guys think I kept sneaking away for lmao

**> >> midtown reporter @bbrant**

I don't know what I thought but it sure wasn't that

**> flash @zoomzoom**

I fucking bullied you and you literally did not do a thing????

**> > pb&j @yeeterparkour**

well yeah bc it was better to be me bc i can heal really fast, than someone who can't. i could have crushed u like a bug my guy

**> >> flash @zoomzoom**

I...wow alright

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Fun fact about Spider-man that you might already know: he used to have asthma and get sick all the time and wore glasses

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@HOsborn** oh my god Harry I was like Steve Rogers, he just didn't have the glasses

**> > harry @HOsborn**

You know what? You were. I had to protect your dumbass all the time. Does that make me James?

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Ew don't call him James that's weird

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@HOsborn** sjdgkfdhk he WHAT

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Yeah. I used to have to carry a spare inhaler because he was dumb and forgot it everywhere

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

Can't believe spiderman had asthma

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Spider-man*

**> >>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

your username is missing the hyphen

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

listen the username was taken already

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

Why did I think mentoring a Spider-child would be easy? It absolutely is not. Don't recommend.

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** aw mr stark you love me <33

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

Unfortunately, you pest.

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

anyways, i agree with ur sentiment. being a mentore/parent is so hard

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

And you know this how?

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

ok so i may have basically adopted a spider-pal and i mentor them **😎**

**> >>>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Of course you did. Of course you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure i messed up a few of the usernames. it's fine though, i'll fix it later. also you may think i basically pretended the spider-man reveal angst never happened and...ur right i totally did actually but it's fine, right? who needs a plot anyway
> 
> listen okay. i love u and i hope you find a reason to smile today. make sure to drink water and stay hydrated!! take care of yourselves


	23. gen z spider-man is a vibe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ur mom lol @spidermanstan  
> spider-man is the embodiment of gen z, i swear. every one of his tweets is like a punch in the face, but in the fun way
> 
> > doot doot @dootdoot  
> @spidermanstan "a punch in the face, but in the fun way" i didn't realize there was a fun way to be punched in the face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates have been all over the place lately, my bad, i've been very busy procrastinating. i've also started planning a new series! it's not marvel, but it's been taking a lot of my attention. i'm hoping to start writing soon. i'm also hoping that i actually get up the courage to publish it instead of letting it sit in my drafts forever lmao
> 
> here's a new chapter to celebrate before i forget to update for the next month.
> 
> enjoy!

**pb &j @pparker**

changed my user what do u guys think 

**> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

**@pparker** ayee me too. but haha it says pp

**> > pb&j @pparker**

oh my god i'm dating a child

**> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

don't lie sweetheart, you love me

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

yes, unfortunately i do

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@pparker** heh pp

**> > pb&j @pparker**

you too, ned? i'm surrounded by children :|

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

Peter, you still play with legos.

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

hey, there's no need to bring my hobbies into this :(

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

yeah! don't bring them into this they've done nothing wrong

**> >>>>> pb&j @pparker**

okay i wouldn't go that far, i step on them all the time and it hurts like heck

* * *

**ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

spider-man is the embodiment of gen z, i swear. every one of his tweets is like a punch in the face, but in the fun way

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@spidermanstan** "a punch in the face, but in the fun way" i didn't realize there was a fun way to be punched in the face

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

there is. it's reading spider-mans tweets

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

alright then, that's pretty fair

**> haley @cutsiehaley**

**@spidermanstan** you put it into words. i can't believe you put it into words

**> > step the fuck up @kyle**

it's so accurate, too

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

you're welcome 😌

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

1 million followers!!! cannot believe this. i love u guys so much pls

**> no shade @noteajustfax**

**@Spiderman** you deserve it buddy!!! congrats

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

thank u

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** i love u bro, ur doing great

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

i love u too bro, no homo tho i'm taken

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

ur boyfriend is intimidating, so no homo

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

homo if i wasn't taken?

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

yeah, homo, but in the bro way

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@Spiderman** Congrats, loser. I guess I'm proud of you.

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

aw mj u use such kind words <3

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

.....<3

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

omg a heart

**> >>>> stop that @emjayy**

Shut up if you make it a big deal I'll delete it

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

yes ma'am

* * *

**missy @imgoingcrazy**

Spider-man being intimidated by the women in his life is so funny to me

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@imgoingcrazy** listen, they can be really scary, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there might be mistakes but i don't feel well and can't be bothered to edit it right now, so if you see them just pretend they aren't there, thank u 😌
> 
> i hope you smile today! make sure to drink water and take a break every once in a while. have a good day! <3


	24. happy halloween!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > missy @imgoingcrazy  
> @Spiderman "identity theft" pls spidey that's so funny
> 
> >> h*ck happens @goodestboy  
> I mean imagine going out on halloween and seeing a bunch of people dressed up like you
> 
> >>> missy @imgoingcrazy  
> well when you put it like that it does seem kind of creepy afkjhdsjkgh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween guys! i accidentally slept until like 5pm today so i'm rush writing this chapter bc i wanna get back into regular updates, and i'm writing a bunch at a time but i don't have any built up yet lmao.
> 
> enjoy! <3

**biderman @Spiderman**

it's halloween! there are so many people dressed as Spider-man tonight and it feels kind of like identity theft

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@Spiderman** i'm kidding!! it's really sweet that you guys dress up like me! 

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@Spiderman** "identity theft" pls spidey that's so funny

**> > h*ck happens @goodestboy**

I mean imagine going out on halloween and seeing a bunch of people dressed up like you

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

well when you put it like that it does seem kind of creepy afkjhdsjkgh

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@Spiderman** I'm gonna buy a mask just to fuck with you

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

don't you dare harold

**> >> harry @HOsborn**

Oh no the full name, I'm sooo scared.

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

it's fine i'll just get you back :)

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

that smiley is weirdly threatening

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

as it should be

* * *

**2.0 @spiderliing**

I'm gonna cry there are people out dressed like me 🥺

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@spiderliing** Hell yeah!! You deserve the recognition you're doing so good buddy!!

**> > 2.0 @spiderliing**

Thank u so much mr spider-man

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

pls 'mr' makes me feel so old

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

Do you finally get it now, kid?

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

sure do mr stark :)

**> >>>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Don't give me that attitude, I'll ground you.

**> >>>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

you can't ground me

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

update: i've been grounded

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@Spiderman** LMAOO SPIDEY NO

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

it was worth it to see his face

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

you seem like an absolute menace. big brat energy

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

thanks its because i am

**> stop that. @emjayy**

**@Spiderman** Idiot

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

i know thanks

**> >> stop that. @emjayy**

Okay, cool.

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** are you still going out patrolling anyway?

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

yeah! it's halloween night so there's probably gonna be some trouble. i hope everyone is staying safe, but just in case!

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

you're such a sweet person pls

* * *

**supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

Are we just gonna ignore the really wholesome interaction between thing 1 and thing 2

**> harry @HOsborn**

**@itscomplicated** That's genius. **@Spiderman** I'm calling you think one now

**> > ****supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

omg harry osborn replied to my tweet

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@itscomplicated** THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING, I WAS LIKE IS NOBODY GONNA SAY ANYTHING

**> > supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

omg wait let's start **#spiderdad**

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

**#spiderdad** that's so cute pls

* * *

**TRENDING on Twitter**

**#spiderdad 37.2k tweets**

**#happyhalloween 13k tweets**

**#eeftober 12.9k tweets**

**#spideysbeengrounded 2.1k tweets**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried hot cheeto mac and cheese today, and it's actually pretty good i can't lie. 8/10, would recommend for those who like spicy foods.
> 
> i hope you find a reason to smile today! don't forget to take care of yourself! drink some water and try to eat something today, and don't forget to give yourself a break sometimes.


	25. good titles? idk her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> garage boy @hkeenerbabey  
> To bee or not to bee, that is the question
> 
> > missy @imgoingcrazy  
> @hkeenerbabey be*
> 
> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey  
> No, no, I meant bee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys this has 10k hits!! what the fuck!!! i appreciate all of you so much and it makes me so happy that you guys like my story. here's a new chapter. 
> 
> enjoy! <3

**garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

To bee or not to bee, that is the question.

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@hkeenerbabey** be*

**> > garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

No, no, I meant bee. I do have a question, though.

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

what?

**> >>> garageboy @hkeenerbabey**

Ya like 𝒿𝒶𝓏𝓏?

**> >>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

i walked right into that one. **@pparker** come get your mans

**> >>>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

Snitch.

**> >>>>>> pb&j @pparker**

i knew letting you watch the bee movie was a mistake.

* * *

**morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Gen z's are my favorite because we all had relatively the same childhood. I don't know what that says about us but it's funny anyway

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** I was talking to one of my friends earlier and I realized we used to do the exact same weird things

**> > morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Right!! It's kind of creepy, actually. 

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

Make a survey to see just how relatable some things are

**> >>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Genius.

* * *

**morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Okay guys. I want you to reply to or like this if you can relate to at least three of the things on this thread

**135k likes, 172 comments**

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** \- putting on and peeling glue off ur hand(s)

\- pretending to sleep in the car so ur parents would carry u inside

\- raindrop races on the windows

**> > morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

\- doing "shots" with bottle caps

\- using the rainbow parachute in gym

\- trying to eat one of those rubber balls from the little machines

**> ??? @sarahh_**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** LITERALLY ALL OF THESE PLEASE

**> > haley @cutsiehaley**

same 😭😭

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** all of these. i've done the last one more than i'd like to admit, too askhfsdkg

**> > morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

Same. There was just something about the feeling of chewing it...

**> >> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

yes!! it always hurts your jaw though

**> >>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

My mom had to stop giving me quarters for the machine because I just kept buying them

**> >>>> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

rip your rubber ball addiction

**> ding ding @abeee**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** This got so much attention. I can't believe so many people can relate???

**> > morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

I'm telling you dude, it's creepy!

**> >> ding ding @abeee**

it really is

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@iwouldwalk500miles** i've done so many of these. **@pparker** remember when we did that one race and you didn't talk to me for three days because i won

**> > pb&j @pparker**

listen ned, mine should have won. you cheated because yours kept getting bigger!!

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

how could i have cheated?? i literally had no control over the raindrops

**> >>>** **pb &j @pparker**

i don't know, you just did!

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

i didn't

**> >>>>> pb&j @pparker**

i will no longer speak to you until you admit you cheated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case anybody needs to hear it: you're doing good and i'm proud of you! eat if you can, and remember to drink some water. i hope you smile today :)


	26. spider-man is a gremlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pb&j @pparker  
> update: woke up from my nap, nothing feels real.
> 
> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan  
> @pparker that's because nothing is real. it's all a simulation. it's time to wake up now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just realized i've been getting harley's twitter name wrong this entire time (garage boy instead of potato gun). my bad lmaoo
> 
> enjoy! <3

**pb &j @pparker**

have any of y'all watched salad fingers? what the hell is that it's gonna haunt my nightmares

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@pparker** Oh my god the first time I watched it I was physically leaning away from the screen.

**> > pb&j @pparker**

he's my sleep paralyses demon

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

LMAO SAME DUDE 

**> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

**@pparker** I told you not to watch it, darling

**> > pb&j @pparker**

you should know by now that when you tell me not to do something i'm obviously gonna get curious and watch it out of spite, so really it's your fault

**> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

I can't control you, you're a little gremlin who does what he wants

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

did you just call me a gremlin

**> >>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

Yes. I get gremlin vibes and behavior from you 24/7, therefore you are a gremlin.

**> >>>>> pb&j @pparker**

>:(

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@pparker** oh god not salad fingers....anything but salad fingers...

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@pparker** i like rusty spoons...i like to touch them...the feeling of rust against my salad fingers....is almost orgasmic...

**> > pb&j @pparker**

nOO STOPPP

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

fine. but just remember that one day you will answer to a god far less merciful than me

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

thank u kind sir/ma'am/buddy

**> >>>> doot doot @dootdoot**

we love the inclusiveness

* * *

**pb &j @pparker**

time for a depression nap!

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@pparker** you doin okay bud?

**> > pb&j @pparker**

absolutely not thanks!

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@pparker** ah, felt that. sweet dreams my guy

**> > pb&j @pparker**

thank u i'll try

* * *

**pb &j @pparker**

update: woke up from my nap, nothing feels real.

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@pparker** that's because nothing is real. it's all a simulation. it's time to wake up now

**> > pb&j @pparker**

holy shit dude ur fuckinf with my brain

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

:))

**> >>> pb&j @pparker **

what year is it

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

2032, welcome to the future bud.

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

Fun Fact about the spider-kid: he sleeps on the ceiling sometimes. Scares the hell out of Sam and Clint every time.

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@tstark** MR STARK STOP EXPOSING ME PLEAS E 

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

Sorry kid, no can do. Call it payback for being a little gremlin.

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

aw man not you too. i'm not a gremlin!!!

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

Sure you're not, you little gremlin.

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

>:(((

**> DP @unicornsass**

**@tstark @Spiderman** u can sleep on my ceiling any time bby boy ;))

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

sorry DP, no can do, i'm taken

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Go away, Wilson, leave the kid alone

**> >>> DP @unicornsass**

aw, but its platonic bby, i promise!! no taking u frm ur cutie bf!! and no, spidey likes my company. right spidey??

**> >>>> biderman @Spiderman**

sometimes, sure

**> >>>>> Iron Man @tstark**

I don't.

**> >>>>>>> DP @unicornsass**

awe u flatter me shnookums **💖** **💖💞**

**> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

**@tstark** Thank you for this blessed information, old man

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

Who you calling old, punk?

**> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the thing about salad fingers is me projecting. i just watched it earlier to see what it was and....what the hell. 4/10 i wouldn't watch it again but it was animated well enough that it has the ability to be creepy.
> 
> i hope you smile today! remember to eat something if you can and drink some water. i know doing things can be hard sometimes, but please try to take care of yourselves <3


	27. is spider-man a furry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated  
> THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I GO THROUGH. or, alternatively, i'll forget to respond and by the time i remember it's too late and seems weird
> 
> >>> haley @cutsiehaley  
> woohoo, gen z and late millennials are all disasters, who'da thunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> voila, another chapter!
> 
> enjoy! <3

**supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

The panic I feel when someone I don't really talk to messages me is unreal. like what are you texting me for, stop that

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@itscomplicated** Oh my god, yes. This.

**> > supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

I had to say it.

**> >> Poppy @sodapoppy**

As you should.

**> haley @cutsiehaley**

**@itscomplicated** exactly. like sorry you're gonna have to wait 3-5 business days for a response bc i will Stress Over It for so long wondering how i'm supposed to respond.

**> > supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I GO THROUGH. or, alternatively, i'll forget to respond and by the time i remember it's too late and seems weird

**> >> haley @cutsiehaley**

woohoo, gen z and late millennials are all disasters, who'da thunk

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Hey Twitter, is Spider-man technically a furry?

**125k likes, 705 replies, 12k retweets**

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@HOsborn** oh my god no harry stop please, i already told you it's not a fursona 

**> > harry @HOsborn**

I have to take a vote, your opinion doesn't count. You're biased

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

harry please twitter isn't gonna let me live this down

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

That's too bad then, huh.

**> ??? @sarahh_**

**@HOsborn** Yes. Absolutely.

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Thank you for your contribution to the cause.

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@HOsborn** i think so, yeah

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

NED NO

**> >> gitc @mrleeds **

sorry buddy

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

Thank you.

**> flash @zoomzoom**

**@HOsborn** I'm saying yes just because I know it'll get on his nerves.

**> > harry @HOsborn**

That's a fair reason. Thank you for your contribution even though I don't like you

**> >> flash @zoomzoom**

Sure, the feeling's mutual.

* * *

**NOT a furry @Spiderman**

twitter please i'm not a furry, i'm begging you to stop flooding my dm's with messages like 'hey there, furry boy'

**> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

**@Spiderman** IS THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING ASJFSJDKGDF

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

yes

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@Spiderman** oh my god 

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

There is no god. He's abandoned this timeline. If he were here he'd put an end to this torment

**> >> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

no he wouldn't

**> >>> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

Yeah probably not but it's nice to hope

**> ??? @sarahh_**

**@Spiderman** YOUR TWITTER NAME I CAN'T BREATHEEEE

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

gotta get the point across somehow

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

i'm crying this is so fucking funny

**> >>> ??? @sarahh_**

it really is please

* * *

**NOT a furry @Spiderman**

**@tstark** pls help people won't stop calling me a furry

**> Iron Man @tstark**

A what?

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

nvm

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

???

* * *

**garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

Why is my boyfriend laying face down on my bed babbling about furries 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so tired pls. anyway, once again i am projecting onto the characters. unprompted texts by people i don't talk to/haven't talked to in a while are so stressful. 
> 
> also holy shit you guys, 11k reads?? i'm,,,crying. i never thought people would like this so much but here we are, on our way to 12k. i love u guys so much pls.
> 
> remember to drink some water today! try to eat something if you can. i know that things can be hard sometimes, but please try to take care of yourself. i hope you smile today! <3


	28. a lying liar who lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > #1 Bird @falconn  
> @Spiderman Hey now, don't go dragging me into this, I've done nothing to deserve it.
> 
> >> NOT a furry @Spiderman  
> i've done nothing, he says, like a lying liar who lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter bc u guys always wait so patiently and give me the validation i crave
> 
> enjoy! <3

**pb &j @pparker**

i'm sorry but if seltzer water is your favorite drink and you call it 'soda' we can't be friends

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

**@pparker** LITERALLY LIKE WHY Y'ALL EMBARRASSING MY GIRL SODA LIKE THAT

**> > pb&j @pparker**

glad to know you're on my side

**> >> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

i'll always defend soda

**> ??? @sarahh_**

**@pparker** but...but it's good...lime la croix hits different

**> > pb&j @pparker**

sorry but my mama said i need to go home immediately

**> >> ??? @sarahh_**

Not my fault you don't know the difference between a good drink and a bad one. At least some of us have taste 😌💅 

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

BLOKT AND REPORTED

**> >>>> ??? @sarahh_**

wait unblock me real quick

**> >>>>> pb&j @pparker**

unblocked. you make speak

**> >>>>>> ??? @sarahh_**

bitch

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

I'd just like you all to know that when I first made Peter try La Croix, he took a sip then made a face and said, real soft, "why's it biting me"

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@HOsborn** listen it was completely unapologetically biting my tongue??? my taste buds??? 

**> > harry @HOsborn**

I don't even like seltzer water I just bought it to make you try it

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

****

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

It's my job as your best friend to make you suffer

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@HOsborn** why's it spicyyyy

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

w̴̥͚̝̍̽̌͛ḩ̷̤̥̥̦̊̽̑y̶̧̫̮̼̭͂'̷̯̼̥̲͈̟̺̻̄ş̴̤̩̩̖͇͎͓͔͒̑̉̈́̉͊̄̅͂͑ͅ ̷̛̠͓̱̼͖̯͒̎͊̏͊̈͝͝ͅi̷̡̛͈̣̜̦̙̪̟̮͆͛̅͆t̸͎̺̿̂̃͠͠ͅ ̸̟̪̗̪̗̣̮̤̱̏́͛͌̋͜ş̴͖̹̹̱͍̖̹̖̎͊͜p̷̗̀̋̃̊̇̄̔̾̍i̴̛̺͉̩͎̲͎͚̒̐͊͒̕͘̚c̵̛̙̱͗͆̈̾̓̋͘ẏ̷̪̱̣̳̋̈́

**> >> doot doot @dootdoot**

PLEASE THAT'S SO MUCH FUNNIER WITH THE FONT 

* * *

**NOT a furry @Spiderman**

So wait why am I the target for furry accusations? You guys have perfectly good candidates. I mean really HAWKeye, FALCON, black PANTHER

**> #1 Bird @falconn**

**@Spiderman** Hey now, don't go dragging me into this, I've done nothing to deserve it.

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

i've done nothing, he says, like a lying liar who lies

**> >> #1 Bird @falconn**

It's not my fault you happened to walk into the pie face first the other day

**> >>> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

he says like a LYING LIAR WHO LIES

**> I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

**@Spiderman** What about Nat?? If you're a spider and a furry, isn't she?

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

that's genius but for the reason of i don't wanna be murdered, i cannot agree with you 

**> >> I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

It's not like she's gonna see this

* * *

**I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

update: she saw it. now hiding in the ventssfdsfd

**> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

**@yourlocalarcher** did she get u

**> > I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

help mesdfsfd

**> >> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

sorry man ur on ur own, i'm not getting in the middle of this

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@yourlocalarcher** Is that what the scream was?

**> > NOT a furry @Spiderman**

probably. oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead, she killed him

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Good riddance. And watch your mouth.

**> >>> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

i'm almost an adult >:((

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Yeah, but you're not yet. Don't make me tell May

**> >>>>> NOT a furry @Spiderman**

yes mr stark, sorry mr stark, please don't tell may

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the idea to drag the team into the furry accusations wasn't mine, it was from a little genius in the comments on the last chapter, so thank u to them. also pls forgive me if u like seltzer water or la croix.
> 
> i hope you found a reason to smile today! make sure to drink water and try to eat if you can. i know that things can be hard sometimes, so in case you haven't heard it recently, i'm proud of you and you're doing great!!


	29. 'lmao what an idiot' but in a kind way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > biderman @Spiderman  
> @spidermanstan I think it's very funny. Everyone went from 'omg it's Spider-Man!!' to 'lmao what an idiot' but in a kind way
> 
> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan  
> "but in a kind way" please 
> 
> >>> biderman @Spiderman  
> Well yeah. It's in the 'friendly bullying' category so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to post this last week lmao
> 
> enjoy! <3

**garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

it's not even 6pm and it's so dark out wtf

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@hkeenerbabey** my whole life is so dark. it's emo hour

**> > ** **garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

stop being such a downer and come help decorate the tree

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

yessir

**> >>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

sir huh?

**> >>>> pb&j @pparker**

i hate you so much please shut up

* * *

**ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

So we've all just kind of accepted the fact Spider-man responds to our tweets and now we don't even react, huh

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@spidermanstan** yeah basically lmao

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

it's just so funny to me bc he's literally Spider-man??? and we just?? @ him and he responds???

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

i mean he's a gen z too so it's a lot easier than if he were a thirty year old man

**> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

You know what? That's true

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@spidermanstan** I think it's very funny. Everyone went from 'omg it's Spider-Man!!' to 'lmao what an idiot' but in a kind way

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

"but in a kind way" please 

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

Well yeah. It's in the 'friendly bullying' category so

**> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

okay yeah that makes sense

* * *

**Iron Man @tstark**

Why did I decide to let a kid hang out in my lab

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@tstark** bc u love me? :)

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

Unfortunately.

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

"unfortunately" he says. i'm a delight to be around, mr stark, and u know it

**> >>> Iron Man @tstark**

No.

**> I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

**@tstark** what he do

**> > Iron Man @tstark**

He keeps playing his god awful music

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

line without a hook is not god awful!!! u take that back!!

**> >>> I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

wtf is that

**> >>>> pb&j @pparker**

it's only one of the best songs on my spotify playlist. big dear evan hansen vibes!!

**> >>>>> I'M the #1 bird @yourlocalarcher**

like...the musical?

* * *

**pb &j @pparker**

amazing news: hawkeye knows what dear evan hansen is

**> I'M the #1 bird**

**@pparker** I'm not completely uncultured

**> > pb&j @pparker**

amazing news!!!

**> ??? @sarahh_**

**@pparker** this IS amazing news. dear evan hansen is *chefs kiss*

**> > pb&j @pparker**

never fails to make me emotional

**> >> ??? @sarahh_**

i can't believe that you, spider-man, are a huge nerd for musicals

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

i'm a gen z idk what you want from me

**> >>>> ??? @sarahh_**

valid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (lil bit of shamefull self promo here)  
> i'm working on a new series rn so that's pretty cool?? it's gonna be a criminal minds/x-men crossover. unless i never publish it. in that case pretend u never saw this. no but really if that's your thing, maybe you could check it out when it comes out?   
>  👉👈
> 
> i hope you smiled today! please remember to drink water and eat something if you can, yeah? i'm proud of you and you're doing great!


	30. cat vs. christmas tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > im trying ok @letmelive  
> @pparker oh you poor, poor man.
> 
> >> pb&j @pparker  
> don't bring the fact i'm poor into this smh
> 
> >>> im trying ok @letmelive  
> i-i wasn't???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't believe we're almost two weeks into december. time isn't real anymore. short chapter bc i realized i had to update but i literally just switched tabs in the middle of writing something else lmao.
> 
> enjoy! <3

**pb &j @pparker**

okay so quick psa, don't put tinsel on a christmas tree if you have a cat cashew has knocked down the tree twice already trying to get it

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@pparker** oh you poor, poor man.

**> > pb&j @pparker**

don't bring the fact i'm poor into this smh

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

i-i wasn't???

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

sure jan

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@pparker** i'm not sure how my cat isn't dead yet with how much tinsel she has consumed and then thrown up

**> > pb&j @pparker**

CATS EAT TINSEL??????

**> >> missy @imgoingcrazy**

mine does?? she's not very smart though so. i think she likes the crunchy crinkle of it

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

oh my god i need to check if cashew has eaten the tinsel

**> >>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

good luck

* * *

**pb &j @pparker**

**@tstark** mr stark don't go in the kitchen

**> Iron Man @tstark**

What did you do?

**> > pb&j @pparker**

it wasn't my fault i swear

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Peter Benjamin Parker why is the kitchen covered in glitter

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

I TOLD U NOT TO GO IN THERE

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

You're cleaning that up.

**> >>>>> pb&j @pparker**

yessir

* * *

**supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

I CAN'T BREATHE WHAT

> **> >> Iron Man @tstark**
> 
> Peter Benjamin Parker why is the kitchen covered in glitter
> 
> **> >>> pb&j @pparker**
> 
> I TOLD U NOT TO GO IN THERE

**> esteban julio ricardo montoya dela rosa ramÍrez @thesuitelife**

**@itscomplicated** LMAOOO WAIT WHY WAS IT COVERED IN GLITTER

**> > supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

uhm **@pparker** hey why was it covered in glitter

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

cat

**> >>> estebon julio reicardo montoya de la rosa ramÍrez @thesuitelife**

what did the cat do??

**> >>>> pb&j @pparker**

the little bastard knocked it over while i was using it >:(

**> >>>>> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

LMAO rip bro

* * *

**no shade @noteajustfax**

**@thesuitelife** i like ur handle

**> ** **esteban julio ricardo montoya dela rosa ramÍrez @thesuitelife**

 **@noteajustfax** heh thanks

**> > no shade @noteajustfax**

ur welcome :)

**> >> Poppy @sodapoppy**

wholesome interaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had an on and off headache and neck pain for the past three days and i'm so sick of it askfjdskf
> 
> anyway, i hope you had a good day today! make sure to drink some water and try to eat something if you can. i also hope you smiled today! <3


	31. happy new years or whatever idk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pb&j @pparker  
> happy new year everyone
> 
> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan  
> @pparker what
> 
> >> pb&j @pparker  
> i said happy new year everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be published on new years if u couldn't tell by the title lmao. on that note i can't believe it's already january what the h*ck 
> 
> i wrote this all in one sitting and it's currently 3:30 in the morning so i didn't edit it, forgive any mistakes
> 
> enjoy! <3

**pb &j** **@pparker**

happy new year everyone

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@pparker** what

**> > pb&j @pparker**

i said happy new year everyone

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

IS IT ALREADY 2021 I CAN'T BREATHE

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

maybe it'll be better than 2020 who knows

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

don't jinx it i'm begging you

**> im trying ok @letmelive**

**@pparker** why did the beginning of 2020 last three years but after we hit august it flew by

**> > pb&j @pparker**

2020 went into ｍａｘｉｍｕｍ ｏｖｅｒｄｒｉｖｅ

**> >> im trying ok @letmelive**

2020 rlly said ' u wanna see some real speed ?? '

**> >>> step the fuck up @kyle**

literally how it went

* * *

**harry @HOsborn**

Another year, the same struggle to remember to write the new date properly.

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@HOsborn** ouch, didn't have to come after me like that

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

don't worry, it's a universal struggle

**> >> Poppy @sodapoppy**

those rare few people who can remember to write 2021 instead of 2020 are so lucky

**> >>> no shade @noteajustfax**

literally why I never write in pen on important papers

**> >>>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

LMAO felt that

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@HOsborn** aw man i forgot that was a thing 

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Which part

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

the part where you have to write the new year

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

Be thankful you don't have to fill out really important documents.

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

rip 

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@HOsborn** bold of you to assume i actually fill out the date section on the paper

**> > harry @HOsborn**

Ah, my bad, I forgot you were lazy.

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

shut up i am not

**> >>> harry @HOsborn**

And I'm George fucking Washington

**> >>>> pb&j @pparker**

wicked. can i have ur autograph?

**> >>>>> harry @HOsborn**

I can't stand you.

**> >>>>>> pb&j @pparker**

so sit down lol

* * *

**garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

reminder that tony stark broke into my garage when i was eleven

**> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

**@hkeenerbabey** not this again

**> > garage boy @hkeener**

yes this again

**> Iron Man @tstark**

**@hkeenerbabey** You're really not going to let this go, huh?

**> > garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

why should it? it was an absolutely monumental time in my boring ass life

**> >> Iron Man @tstark**

Seriously?

**> >>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

tony, man, i spent most of my time making things like the potato gun. there was literally nothing to do. i lived in the middle of n o w h e r e 

**> >>>> Iron Man @tstark**

Hey, what's wrong with just making things?

**> >>>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

i had no friends?? i was eleven?? normal eleven year olds Do Not spend all their time doing that

**> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

**@hkeenerbabey** that's so cool man

**> > potato gun @hkeenerbabey**

it was the coolest moment of my life at the time

**> >> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

at the time? do you have a new one?

**> >>> potato gun @hkeenerbabey**

perhaps.

**> >>>> morales @iwouldwalk500miles**

mysterious

* * *

**The M is for Murder @murderjay**

New username how we feelin'

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@murderjay** well it sure is accurate

**> > The M is for Murder @murderjay**

I'm considering that a compliment

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

it was. you're very scary

**> >>> The M is for Murder @murderjay**

That's what I was aiming for

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@murderjay** omg mj its perfect

**> > The M is for Murder @murderjay**

Thanks Parker

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

you're welcome :D

**> >>> The M is for Murder @murderjay**

... :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been trying to get out a chapter since before christmas pls help. also have been listening to the same three songs on repeat and two of them are by ricky montgomery so that's fun.
> 
> anyway, i hope you had a good day today! make sure to drink some water and try to eat something if you can. i hope you smiled today! <3


	32. good titles? idk her, pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where did my funny go
> 
> enjoy!

**pb &j @pparker**

**@hkeenerbabey** country boy i love youuuu...mleh 👅

**> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

**@pparker** Did you just tweet a vine reference at me to confess your poorly hidden love?

**> > pb&j @pparker**

mayhaps. what are u gonna do about it coward

**> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

You're a dork, darling, do you know that?

**> >>> pb&j @pparker**

this is cyberbullying!! i cannot believe you, my boyfriend, are cyberbullying me!!!!!

**> >>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

Okay drama queen.

* * *

**missy @imgoingcrazy**

my tl has been blessed by this masterpiece of a thread today, i'd like to share it with those of u unfortunate enough to have not seen it

> **> >>> pb&j @pparker**
> 
> this is cyberbullying!! i cannot believe you, my boyfriend, are cyberbullying me!!!!!
> 
> **> >>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**
> 
> Okay drama queen.

**> doot doot @dootdoot**

**@imgoingcrazy** thank u i'm forever grateful. ur doing gods work ma'am.

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

of course, it's my pleasure 😌

**> Poppy @sodapoppy**

**@imgoingcrazy** omg how did i not see this yet?

**> > missy @imgoingcrazy**

cos you suck?

**> >> Poppy @sodapoppy**

incorrect. i'm a lesbian

**> >>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

AHSFHSDFHDS PLEASE I WASN'T EXPECTIG THAT RESPONSE

**> >>>> Poppy @sodapoppy**

i like to keep people on their toes 

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Cashew update: she stretch!!

 _[The image attached is of a calico cat stretching across someone's lap - presumably Spiderman's. She seems to have just woken up._ _]_

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** wow been a while since u posted on this account

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Yuh, but we out here tweeting again and shit

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

stop swearing. it's weird coming from you

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

I won't but only because I'm on this account. You're in for a real treat in the gc 

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

please no

**> haley @cutsiehaley**

**@Spiderman** not to be dramatic or anything but i would die for your cat

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

lmao me too

**> >> haley @cutsiehaley**

some how i get the feeling that you're being 100% serious

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

i am

**> >>>> harry @HOsborn**

He is. She escaped through the window of his apartment the other day and he ran right into traffic to save her

**> >>>>> haley @cutsiehaley**

SJFSDJGJDF I -

**> >>>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

omg stop exposing me

**> >>>>>>> harry @Hosborn**

No.

* * *

**JJ @jackjackjack**

An article with proof Spiderman is toxic >> [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)]

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@jackjackjack** you forgot the hyphen. why does everyone forget the hyphen? seriously it's not that hard.

**> > ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

I like how that's ur problem with this lmfao

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

i ain't worried about some article it's literally from the bugle pls 

**> >>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

u know what? that's fair

**> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

**@jackjackjack** oh not this idiot again

**> > JJ @jackjackjack**

Hey! You can't say that about me! I'll report you.

**> >> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

for what? what are you gonna say? 'this guy on twitter called me an idiot and i have such sde that i'm reporting them for it 😩' 

**> >>> supercalifragilisticexpialidocious @itscomplicated**

JASFHSDH NOT THE SMALL DICK ENERGY

**> >>>> JJ @jackjackjack**

I do not have a small dick!

**> >>>>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

lmao sure. what're you gonna do, post a photo as proof?

* * *

**garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

HE POSTED A PICTURE AS PROOF AND HIS ACCOUNT GOT SUSPENDED

**> pb&j @pparker**

**@hkeenerbabey** AGHDFGJFD HE ACTUALLY DID IT?

**> > garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

i cannot believe he actually did it i'm so fucking ecstatic rn

**> >> pb&j @pparker**

serves him right 

**> >>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

at least he cant post shit about you anymore

**> >>>> pb&j @pparker**

you bullied a man right into a trap for me. my knight in shining armor 

**> missy @imgoingcrazy**

**@hkeenerbabey** i saw it. i need to,,, bleach my eyes.

**> > garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

i saw it too, but it was so worth being able to tell everyone.

**> >> missy**

yknow,,,he wasn't lying. it was Not Small

**> >>> garage boy @hkeenerbabey**

oh please, that was nothing

**> >>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

sir that was at least five inches. what do you mean that was nothing?

**> >>>>> missy @imgoingcrazy**

SIR????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is literally seven pm and i am about to go to bed. can't wait to wake up at three in the morning bc my body just can't stay asleep 😌
> 
> i hope you smiled today! you deserve to be happy! reminder to drink some water and eat something if you can. gotta stay healthy!!


	33. fanfiction???????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was about to go to bed when a random thought struck me: does spider-man (specifically tom's, considering he's a proper teenager with gen-z sort of humor) read fanfiction? and building on that, does he read fanfiction about himself? and then i was like well i have to write that into this now, and so instead of sleeping i am writing another chapter for you. it is mostly peter and i'm only a little sorry. basically just a little crack chapter while i work on more so i don't go weeks without updating again lmao
> 
> enjoy! <3

**doot doot @dootdoot**

hey **@Spiderman** do you ever read fanfictions about yourself

**> biderman @Spiderman**

**@dootdoot** I'm too coward to do it on my own but like,,,if y'all have recommendations of good ones I could live tweet my reaction

**> > doot doot @dootdoot**

oh spidey bless your soul, you've just made a big mistake

**> >> biderman @Spiderman**

What does this mean I am afraid

* * *

**biderman @Spiderman**

Please stop spamming my inbox with links to fanfictions I am so terrified by half of the descriptions and tags

**> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

**@Spiderman** i have a really super important question to ask you, and i need you to answer 100% honestly

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but what is your question?

**> >> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

have you ever read and/or written fanfic in general of your own volition 

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

Suddenly I cannot see

**> >>>> ur mom lol @spidermanstan**

oh my god you totally have. oh my god spiderman has read and/or written fanfiction before please i

**> gitc @mrleeds**

**@Spiderman** i have a really good one for you to read

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

Do...do you read fanfiction about me?

**> >> gitc @mrleeds**

would it make you feel better if i said no

**> >>> biderman @Spiderman**

oh my god my best friend reads fanfiction about me i hate it here

**> >>>> gitc @mrleeds**

if it makes you feel better i avoid any of the dirty ones

**> >>>>> biderman @Spiderman**

DIRTY ONES??

* * *

**> biderman @Spiderman**

hey what is starker

**> > biderman @Spiderman**

oh my god wait no i can't plewase

**> >> h*ck happens @goodestboy**

I...I am so sorry Spidey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have approximately eight (8) drafts written for other fanfics, and none of them are actually more than 1/3 written, so that's how i'm doing right now
> 
> remember to drink water and eat something if you can! you're all great and i hope you smiled today.

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter sucks but i'm just trying to get the hang of it :( the next one'll be better i promise. i'm trying to figure out usernames and characters i'm going to add so ,,, cut me some slack. or give me ideas , that's pretty cool too. so do that. please.


End file.
